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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
[ ] From now on, I shall refer to a particular thing as [ ]. That's because I do not want to spell it out, yet I keep thinking about it, it keeps coming to me, and i'm very affected by it. When I woke up in the morning, it was [ ] which i thought of first, which made me quite moody... so i started by day like this. Ok, maybe it is pms too?! So I was thinking of [ ] whole morning. In fact, I hope i won't think of [ ] whole day, but i doubt so. Why do i let [ ] bother myself? Is there anything wrong with thinking and wanting [ ]? Maybe there's nothing wrong... just that, not everyone is like that... and so if others aren't like that, it doesn't me i can't be like that rite?! About [ ]. I think I'm just crazy. It's either I'm really crazy about [ ] that i can lose my rationality and senses over [ ], Or it's an accumulated feeling that comes naturally so it's nothing crazy. Why do i even bother trying to be rational over [ ], cos' if i'm rational, i'll become aloof. Nonchalance is never good, isn't it? Why do i even bother to spend effort into thinking whether i'm really crazy or not about [ ]? Why can't i just be myself? Forget about whether if [ ] is real craziness!! I don't know what can make me feel better. But as long as I'm doing something.... which is good enough to take my mind off [ ]. I don't know for how long I'm gonna feel this way.... about [ ]. Maybe it's just me??!! I'm contributing to my own moodiness and am responsible for how i feel now. What's this?! Why do I always end up faulting myself, or make myself believe that I'm the cause of everything that goes wrong? Is it so convenient to blame myself? So if i'm feeling moody, upset.... Am i to blame for how i feel? Do others play apart? Maybe they didn't do anything wrong... just that I could have reacted in another way to make myself feel better?! Quite frustrated now. Spent so much time thinking about how to improve some things last night. But nothing fruitful really came out from my pondering... maybe one person thinking alone isn't good enough. And all the comm work is making me busy. There goes my holidays. I don't really have a proper day to rest from work, from hall stuff. Perhaps the only time I can rest from that is caroling with chorale, at least chorale takes my mind of hall stuff... cos' they're a different group of people. Thank goodness they make me feel I have a life outside hall. And perhaps tonight is another time that can take my mind off work... Will be in orchard... dinner first... then hang around... then go to china black for bash. So busy for what? Who in the world can understand why i'm so busy? ********** And I'm still thinking of [ ]. I hope this yearning is normal. ********** The worst thing in life is not knowing how to relax and enjoy. Sometimes, melancholy, frustration, over-contemplation dominate every other thing else... and one does not know how to relax and enjoy life anymore. Why get so tensed and so conscious over everything.... should just learn to let go of oneself... let go of things.... and relax! ********** What's gotten to me? ********** Still thinking of [ ]. Hopeless me. ********** Posted at 5:28 PM |
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