Wednesday, April 27, 2005 I hate it. Being defeated by my own weaknesses. Yet another thing to correct in my life. Posted at 10:00 PM

Monday, April 25, 2005 Have so much to write.. as usual... me and my many many thoughts... but shall just keep it short. Tomorrow is exam no.2 and i feel kinda not so prepared... like a few here and there not studied.. bah... ok... nvm... thing is i'm not worried at all.. maybe cos' i know i just did my best... and i really hope i'll survive the exam later.. hope i can do most questions. Tough open-book paper. Been thinking about some things recently... things that have been bugging me for quite long... perhaps it's my pms mood last few days that brought all these thoughts to me again. Sometimes i think i'm mad... cos' there's no rational reason for all these... why i think this way... ?! I think it's just me... i also know it's not the fault of anyone out there... everybody can do what they wanna do... so long as everybody thinks their actions are okay... but well... it's just me ok... times when i wanna be unreasonable towards some people out there. I hate saturday nights, friday nights as well... cos' usually i dun feel very good before i sleep. Tend to contemplate too much... maybe cos' i spent fri nights and sat nights at home... and then all alone and still awake during the ungodly hours... can't help it... but it's only those nights when i feel free and far away from everybody else and everything in the world... nights when i try to do some self-reflection... but then again... i hate to feel far away... distant.... apparently i'm still very troubled by many things deep down... and those nights are nights i try to understand myself, my actions, my impact on other people's lives... and i still can never overcome and conquer the greatest barrier i've been facing for quite a long time... it's still there... preventing me and hindering me at times... and seriously i hate myself for that, for allowing this big big barrier to block me. seems like i can never get to the other side... seems like i'm always stuck... when can i ever overcome and how much does it take to overcome...... Posted at 3:57 AM

Thursday, April 21, 2005 It's the night before my first exam!! But I feel so relaxed now.... don't know why... realized today that i'm at the right pace for tomorrow's paper... good good.... means today's final revision wasn't rushed... but okay at my pace. Thank God for this! Cos' when i woke up this morning... was not feeling very well... haha ok... hope i can sleep tonight.... always have more trouble with sleeping than studying.... especially these few nights... Good luck everybody!! Posted at 9:34 PM

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 I pray that.. Studying will be smooth-going after i wake up. I will give in my best and have no regrets. I will not drown myself in my wildest imaginations and any unpleasant thoughts. I will not, in anyway, even think of doing anything unreasonable to anyone. The strength and wisdom of the Lord be bestowed upon me. Through this difficult and stressful time, whatever I do will be able to glorify the Lord. I will be in the right mind. ____________________________________ Posted at 2:50 AM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 Studying has been quite good for last two days... hope i can keep this momentum going until next friday.... my exams will end next friday!! 11 more days... Glad I'm so occupied with studying... means i won't be thinking so much into things and make myself feel so lousy... Ok... having many thoughts now about the good things i've learnt for the last two days... not the things i've mugged, but some little lessons in life i've learnt. Ok.. will talk about it... after i finish studying for tonight.. Holidays will be here soon... but i'm having mixed feelings about it. Ok don't ask me why. Posted at 1:50 AM

Friday, April 15, 2005 Death to.... making sense of society, economy of modern china, development economics, animal behaviour and chinese studies!!! Posted at 6:50 PM

I'm so freaking stressed....!! Going crazy.... I finished one set of notes and then there's another thick pile of notes and readings at the corner of the table... waiting for me to conquer them!! Sucks...I really hate this feeling.... feeling like i'll never be able to finish, and i'll never be able to study as smartly as i thought i can.... and i'll just lose this academic battle. I think sometime back I dreamed of the worst grades I can ever get... It's so competitive... econs econs... econs is like one the most competitive subjects in my fac... I don't know whether I'll be up to it. Totally way behind my studying schedule... did i spend too much time thinking about a topic or what..?!!?! Ok i know all of you out there students of the world are feeling as stressed too!!!... Ok this must be accumulated stress which i was trying to repress for the last few days... I know... feeling stressed is useless, but this is not like the old days in sec sch when I could still relax the day before my exams... argh... who says studying for uni exams is more manageable... And somehow... during my study breaks, some crazy thoughts did occur to me... Blah... and i must be totally determined about this whole mugging business... Huileng told me " BY FAITH!! " By faith i can achieve... by faith i will achieve... at least that was the most encouraging statement i've heard... I need miracles, I need to work wonders, I need to know what I'm doing... getting crazy... I wish I can have more energy and time to study somemore... it's already bedtime!! And I can't afford to damage my health at this point of time though I think being sick has its advantages... I had a totally upsidedown screwed sleep clock on monday and tuesday... totally screwed up my energy and mind... I was so burnt out I slept so much on wednesday to compensate for the sucky two days. Ok maybe my studying schedule is way too ambitious... but I took into consideration the so little time i have. What was even worse was that i can actually think about doing other things in the midst of studying... ok... think only.. didn't do them in the end... but totally... I hate this... Studying and preparing for exams are two different things.. So I was studying... but I wasn't really preparing for exams.... Sucks, as if life isn't demoralizing enough, all this stress shit has to make me feel even more demoralized, more insecure, more doubtful of my own abilities. Sigh all I can do is pray.. Ok students out there... we're in this deep shit together... All the best to us!!! Ok exams aside... I wonder why I have the same nightmares or the same beautiful dreams again and again... but all these just became vague impressions after waking up. Thank goodness, I'd rather not remember too many details. Nightmares - the shapeless and silent formations, imaginations, illusions, of all my fears and repressions deep inside my heart, that can only make their presence felt while i'm asleep. The beautiful dreams? - all my wishes and hopes that only lives in my dreamland, perhaps never in real life. So why do the same events or the same people appear again and again... maybe god is trying to tell me something, ok i know this may sound ridiculous, but yah... maybe my dear heavenly father is speaking to me... just trying to feel positive about all these... Yah... talk about imaginations... I'm not going blog about what happened in my dreams, even if you ask me, I'm not going to say.. I consider all these as personal private... cos' they just mean too much to me, or rather, the people appearing in my dreams just mean too much to me...I'm feeling so much... yah... unnecessary it seems. Some recent nonsense dreams: - I had lasik eye surgery... wooohooo~ I had perfect eyesight in my dreams! - Everything around me turned into some sort of painting... so everything was 2D... totally... On one side was a painting of my noticeboard, my shelves, my laptop, stationery, my table... all became 2D. Ok yah then there was a painting of my bed on the floor. Nothing, nothing was 3D except me. Very Bizarre. totally meaningless senseless.. Some dreams I remembered since a long time ago: - I had this very gorgeous wedding gown... totally i was so happy in my dreams. It wasn't entirely white... it consisted of a few colours here and there... purple, pink, blue, red.. and it was really beautiful... but too bad I couldn't remember so clearly what my "dream" wedding gown looked like. - I dreamed I murdered my ex-bf's best friend in school. - I turned into a cartoon character and my boyfriend was some hunk from hollywood... jude law..? or was it hugh jackman..? Ok dreams aside... I'm still a stressed-out freak... but glad i de-stressed here... Argh... no time to waste! Posted at 3:10 AM

Monday, April 11, 2005 Blogger's very retarded sometimes.... Ok Sunday's been a good day generally, though I really hate writing the essay on socialist china. I was just dumping all the information i found for my part, seriously believing that every part could be used to answer the question. Sigh, my heart wasn't even on the essay... Anyway I'm feeling quite stressed about the exams.... sucks!! I'll never be able to finish mugging.... as usual uh-huh... really hope my CAPs won't decline any further, given that this sem's modules are more manageable for me, I just need my mugging power!!! As tough as it may get, I'll try really hard to stay on the right track and do honours in the future. Econs is so demoralising... so freakin' competitive... the modules that never fail to pull my caps down. During weekend, the level 5 girls caught PEEPING TOM in the toilet!! DISGUSTING PERVERT been lurking around since long time ago... This is what i mean when i said hall is dangerous. OK, so the girl who caught him red-handed was called diana and she saw him peeping at someone bathing, so she shouted "what are you doing..???", called him "PERVERT!", then the PERVERT went up to her, gave her a pat on her head and said "don't worry, it's okay...", and then he walked out... and diana lost track of him. In less than 5 mins, the whole block was mobilised to track him down... but sigh he escaped!! WTH!!!!! STUPID DISGUSTING SHITTY man.... someone should just kick his dick.... ought to be castrated and burnt in hell.... This peeping-tom thingie has been going on for like very long... since last year... till now... who knows when he will appear again...??!! There have always been news about peeping toms... but they somehow always got away...!! Maybe there are a lot of them, not just one, they're a peeping-toms, peeping-dicks, peeping-harrys syndicate... I realized I have to be really very clear-minded for the next few weeks, better know very well what i'll be doing, not lose focus... people who know me very well will know what can make me lose concentration... Not an easy thing to do, seeing how easily I don't stay on track nowadays. Studying is fun right?! But... preparing for exams isn't fun at all.... I need lots of confidence in many things... in myself especially. As if life isn't demoralizing enough.... I'm just a girl seeking self-worth, trying to raise my own self-esteem. It's true I get demoralized easily... by little things here and there that discourage me and make me feel that whatever I do or whatever I plan will ultimately become meaningless. Perhaps I don't know what's truly meaningful for me, or is there a set of standards that defines meaningful..? I hope I'll always be on the right track... there are many things I do not know, many things I asked myself but I don't know how to answer them... Maybe other people can give me answers? Or do I have to take time and find out as god guides me along.... And I just realised that being with jf no matter what he's busy with, is simple enough to brighten up my day. Yawnzzzzz........ Posted at 6:07 AM

Thursday, April 07, 2005 There are two kinds of people that disgusts me, totally... 1. people who just like to gossip about other people and then back-stab them. 2. people who try intruding into my privacy without my permission. Today's been a good day.... great weather... just really slow in my readings... I love playing 'by your side' on the piano... just love the little nuances of the song and nice chords, plus the song has a very melancholic, nostalgic and poignant feel which i love... Hmm yah and i like taking pride in the speed at which i can figure out a song hehe bleahzz.... Just some random thoughts... what does your blog say about you? and how much does it say about u? just like... what does your msn nick say about u? People who don't like whatever i wrote on my blog.... should just scram, GO AWAY. Because this is my own space. I'm free to write my own nonsense ok... so just scram if you feel offended or uncomfortable... Was reading my previous blog entries... i think i sounded like some hopeless depressed freak... sigh.. but i'm not ok..! Anyway I just realized today that my dear jc friend jiayin has converted.. well ever since her cambodia trip. Been so long since i met her.. Well I'm happy for her, glad she found her joy in the Lord!!! And... I want a new blog layout..! who wanna help me design and personalize for me...? bleahz... i'm such a idiot with the templating... Right now... i just wish i can snuggle happily with my bf... the weather's good... cooling.. cosy... comfortable. It just doesn't feel good not being able to sense your presence... Life has many "look-forwards". Looking forward to every new day. Looking forward to every night. Looking forward to the many little beauties of life. Posted at 1:47 AM

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 Today will be a good day!! being optimistic and happy here...! Anyway, I just realized something... which is not so good. Hack it... dun wanna elaborate !!! Hope it's not a screw-up. Quite 'amazed' at the way which i want to do things sometimes... don't know what got into me man!!! argh. Restless almost all the time. I don't particularly enjoy playing the piano ALL ALONE in the dance studio sometimes, though solitude is good for private time. Self-appreciation is so sad... Just miss playing it at home with people around who will comment and complain about my music, no neighbours to disturb with my piano-playing in hall.... sighsigh... Just wanna make my presence felt in the musical way. Bleahz......... Posted at 3:47 AM

Monday, April 04, 2005 The Last Words You Said Somewhere in time I know Someday you'll come back to me Roses will bloom again, But spring seems like eternity In your kiss it wasn't goodbye You are still the reason why. I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room, My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon. I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly, 'Love me now forever' were the last words you said to me. And when the morning comes, My hands still reach out for you. Some things remain the same, There is nothing I can do. I can barely get through the day Ever since you went away. I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room, My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon. I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly, 'Love me now forever' were the last words you said to me. Heaven help us cross this endless sea With starlight above to guide you to me, Waves crashing on distant shores, They're calling our names for evermore. And I still hear you whispering in the silence of my room, My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon. I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly. 'Love me now forever' were the last words you said to me, Last words you said to me. Posted at 5:57 PM

Saturday, April 02, 2005 In the midst of writing my essay on china's economic reforms.... it's not fun writing about socialist china... who cares about socialist china... ?!!?! confusing readings... argh. Gosh... feeling tired now.... seems like the coffee i drank earlier aggravates my concentration span. Just taking a break from typing and reading... Hmm.. I need a neck + shoulder massage!! Ok.... in a better mood today, unlike last few days. Yah yah... must learn not to think too much and don't be so crybaby. Disgusted with myself for bursting into tears just because i'm upset about certain things... from now on must learn how to control tears and not be so weak emotionally. BLAH. I think my buddies overseas should blog too... a better way to update each other. Yup? Feeling rebellious. Posted at 3:02 AM