Monday, January 31, 2005 Was just talking to my mother earlier in the afternooon. Felt quite demoralised after that. Why must she always put things so harshly... I know she meant well and she was just trying to put across things to me very directly. I guess it always hurts a bit when people talk too straightforwardly and harshly... so how to cope with this. Was quite sad but can't help it. I can take it... like people telling me things that aren't so nice.... negative things about me... I can take it. But truth always hurts a bit right. I know what's so negative about me... all my flaws but some things can't be changed. I hope mum will understand this. As much as I will like to, but there's nothing more I can do already. But it was seriously demoralising for me. I've never felt so abnormal, so weird.... I thought each and everyone is special in God's eyes. Never Mind. Close one eye here and there... and the topic won't be so sensitive anymore. All my life... all the time, I try to be the best person I can ever be. I try to cater to people's needs... whether it's part of my work or not to cater to your needs... When you can make me feel that you really need my help and support, even when the reason isn't so good, I'll still try my best to help you, as long as I can, and especially if I feel I should. But sometimes, things go wrong when I help people in wrong ways, as in, I try my best to do something but it just turns out wrong. I hate it when I feel uncomfortable having to do things out of my character... means sometimes it just isn't in my character to ask you certain things, to do certain things, but i still do them anyway because i would think all these pleases the people around me, especially people i really care for... parents, close friends, guys and girls in cmb.... If you really really know me... you'll know that I'm both a big-hearted and narrow-minded person at the same time. If you really really know me... you'll know I can be a very competitive and possesive person. There are some goals in life I have to win, they're NO to losing. Somethings are a must to win... I used to think whether I'll ever be deemed a loser in things that I do. Or at times when I feel I'm so lousy in everything and I have such a lousy character.... all the more I care about winning.... how I must have an edge over others. I don't like the feeling of people looking down on me, people thinking that I can't make it certain areas... Yah. And being a little more possesive and protective in relationships was what I used to be. Usually, it's the guys who should be more protective of their girlfriends right... Yup totally agree, but girls do feel protective of their boyfriends too! Anyway life is unfair... girls are always the losers in relationships. At least for me i think... that statement holds. I lose more friends than jf does after getting attached.... this is what i think. Attached girls tend to lose their guy friends. Ok enuff said. Point is... I'm afraid of turning into some possesive and competitive freak. Guess I must must practise curbing with a lot of feelings, almost like suppressing them and practise feeling okay. Cos' sometimes... I don't really see the point of getting so uncomfortable and argh... but I still feel that way... so need to practise coping with ridiculous wild emotions and thoughts. Summary for today is... i feel totally demoralised, but i'm used to it so it's okay, and I need to practise removing certain feelings... and practise not get too upset. Posted at 11:49 PM

I'm troubled.... over some issue regarding budget and money for cmb.... Was just thinking whether I made any un-wise decisions earlier... Maybe I'm just too easy-going... or just that I felt differently and i didn't realise that perhaps.. not because I don't want to fork out the sum of money, but perhaps all that is not worth it after all... and I don't know how to cough out extra money. Not that I'm willing... but just measuring how much I should give, how worth is that sum of money... Sigh don't wanna think about it. This doesn't solve problems... just have to think about it when I wake up... or another day another time... and have to solve it sooner or later right.... So I shall think about it and come up with solutions later on... Anyway I'm happy I downloaded some songs today!! Hee... got music to listen to... yeah. Posted at 2:15 AM

Friday, January 28, 2005 For a short moment just now, all my fears and worries overwhelmed me, that tears just welled in my eyes. I don't know what exactly caused me to feel apprehensive... it was just one small thought leading to another, and then to another... and so on... and then the big picture came in and it became many thoughts. I'm okay now... feeling better. I don't know whether it's because I'm feeling grouchy cranky... or is it just the "so-many-things" to do kind of feeling that makes me sian. I really wanna understand jf. Sometimes don't know what he's thinking too. I just think I'm so different from what I was in the past. Maybe I'm just a little upset. I think too much of him. Don't feel like doing anything now.... I wish I have the energy to just continue doing all that I need to clear... most of the nights I have to finish all that I need to do,a ll that i expect myself to finish, if not I won't be able to go to sleep. I just think it's not relaxing to sleep with a heavy workload in mind... like still thinking of work when i'm lying on my bed trying to rest is so not right. Ok, then was thinking about some internal stuff about cmb and cultural groups... so i'm supposed to be secretive about how i feel about things... in case i offend anybody or give people the wrong ideas...?! Just hate it when i have to keep certain unhappiness to myself and then tolerate with situations just because i dun want to give others the wrong ideas, or i just don't see things the way others do. Sometimes, if only people can understand how the chairperson of cmb feels, everything will just work better.... that's because only she understands how the comm functions and sees things from the comm's point of view. Her first priority are the performers, but she has the comm's interests at heart too. Certain things are not feasible and that's it. No argument. Outsiders who doesn't know how the comm works shouldn't talk too much and they shouldn't take us for granted just because we keep doing things for them and because we just keep serving people and spoonfeeding people and pamper the performers until they don't know how to appreciate us. Keep fighting for resources and don't blame me when there isn't enough to sponsor your events. I wish... people won't ask for too much. Sometimes a lot of time and money can be well channelled to better uses... for the good of everybody. I know no one will appreciate us. It's not my concern that people show appreciation and thank us. Just do whatever you want... as long as you don't give me problems... know your limitations and control your resources and budget.... good enough. Everything is not as easy as it seems. If it's really so easy.... a lot of things would have been accomplished by now, because people have thought about them before, just that resources are limited ok. Unless you provide more of your resources then you can really acheieve whatever you want. I know nobody will understand truly what I just typed above.... Was just typing whatever comes into my mind.... blah blah... Tired wanna sleep... but still have unfinished stuff. Shucks. *Faith is STRESSED* Posted at 2:31 AM

Thursday, January 27, 2005 A summary of the last two weeks. Una Noche was a great success!! The crowd in the cafe was great... though not a lot of people from my block... but it was full house lah... nice nice... ! I was really nervous for my song... sang Think of Me from the phantom of the opera, but did it in a jazzy style instead. Nervous cos' I was least prepared for that. Was more confident as instrumentalist than a singer on that day. Been really busy with cmb stuff.... chasing my members all day long... just to get their work done. Was really frustrated with them for a while... then after that me and eunice decided that there might be no point keeping some people since they don't do anything at all... and they're like MIA. Ok, so when we hinted that we may want to remove certain people cos' they ain't doing anything and they're delaying the progress of our plans.... hah, the very next day, they produced work, produced the work they're supposed to hand in to me long time ago. Suddenly, their productivity increased... it made me happy... cos' I knew they had the potential to deliver quality work, just that I really don't know why they love procrastinating, why they can't take the initiative and why they just need me and my exco to keep pushing them and reminding them. It's really very tiring to keep pushing them yah... and why only when me and eunice hinted the idea of sacking people, then they start churning out work.... Having to push them, having to deal with people-problems are just little things that takes away the joy of planning and doing comm work. It's really a joy to see the fruits of all the efforts and seeing that deadlines are met and that everything is according to plan.... but often, it's problems with the members, their passiveness and their no-loyalties that makes me feel like everything is chore. Nvm, now I'm happy that everything is according to plan... and I can't wait to enjoy the fruits of my efforts... but this is like a long way to go... still got the drama showcase next week, then Rock Fest and CMB concert in March.... aaahhh.... I finally watched the phantom of the opera!! Love it, love it!! Have been a fan of the musical since primary sch days... haha. And I want the soundtrack!!! Was so glad to see huileng in chinese class!! She's the kind of friend who's so ever pleasant and who will always cheer me up. Had a good chat with her... and miss those days in vjc... I think I'm enjoying my modules this semester. Sociology textbook is very interesting to read... haha.... Finally taking econs modules that have nothing to do with the technicalities of econnomics. No math, no graphs... just facts, knowledge, reasoning and commenting... yeah... so i think it's a more relaxed semester as i do not need to indulge into calculations and stats and the stress of doing core modules. Hopefully I'll work harder this semester. I haven't attended any lesson on animal behaviour, how incorrigible of me to skip morning lessons like this.. OK, can't wait to go for funkamania finals tomorrow. It makes me happy to leave the campus once in a while... was feeling quite stuffy in my room whole day yesterday.. So just wanna go out watch dance competition and hopefully during weekend I can do some shopping for CNY!! Posted at 2:50 PM

Monday, January 17, 2005 I was feeling really a bit worried and more stressed.... cos' Una Noche concert publicity was not done.... Keep reminding them and 'chasing' them for the soft copies... Finally when it was done,I think I became rather inefficient as well.... so things were delayed. Seriously, I was frustrated cos' things were not up to standard, seriously NOT and I was angry, don't know what to say to them too.... I can't bring myself to scold them, reprimand them, but I can't be happy with them too.... Friendship and work have to separated right.... I can't stand it when deadlines are not met. I can't stand it when the work produced is so reflective of laziness and effortlessness. I can't stand it when I have to keep reminding people of other things when I have to remember just so many other things as well. I can't stand it when it's five minutes before a meeting and I receive a message on my cellphone that says "I won't be coming after all" or "I will be late". Basically, I have high standards for myself and for all the work. So I can't stand it when that standard is not achieved. I should stop complaining about all these here. Sometimes, I feel so bogged down by the million things I have to remember... really, if there are so many things to remember, I'll tend to forget some things at times. I'll feel bad for forgetting, for not achieving things I want to. I'm really thankful to jos and eunice who help me remember things, give me reminders here and there. I don't wanna feel bad for letting my mind slip again. Somehow I have the tendency to blame myself for everything... so I'll end up feeling quite bad sometimes, but hope this is not unnecessary. I mean, I don't wanna blame others cos' I think I should always take a look at myself first before telling people they're wrong. If I haven't been doing a good job as chairperson, why should I blame others when they don't do as well... or when they miss deadlines, is it because I didn't remind them continuously, or we're all just busy... anyway it's really tiring to keep reminding them of their deadlines. Anyway, the proposed budget is way too much. Too much as in quantity wise and in the sense of being ridiculous as well. With almost two thousand bucks, I can organise two big concerts.... and so two thousand bucks for that thing... I can't understand. Well, I'll really try to be very fair and reasonable and try to understand why so much money is needed when this amount of money can very well be chanelled for better purposes. Being domineering doesn't scare me. It's times like this... which is almost everyday and at the end of the day thatomm matters become mind boggling... And I wish so very much that I can find someone to talk to, to sigh to, to chat with so that my mind can be more relaxed, to share my stressful moments and mind boggling moments, to understand that most of the time I'm always so anxious and the only rest time I have away from all these issues is when I sleep, and when I wake up it's another anxious cycle of getting things done, and I wish so very much to learn how to enjoy doing my work more, I love my comm, I like organising concerts and events, but when its too much at a time, things become dreadful and they're made worse when the support from own comm members are not good enough cos' it seems like nobody knows how to share the workload with me. I wish so very much that at the end of a day of work and studying, someone can talk to me take my mind off all that, someone who'll try to feel what I feel... but everyone seems so busy, I think we all don't have the luxury of time to chat and chat. But isn't all about time management? I still want to watch the phantom of the opera... (added new link -> My Photo Gallery) Posted at 2:48 AM

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 Huayi - Chinese Festival of Arts 2005: Thunderstorm (Lei Yu) Singapore Chinese Orchestra China, Singapore, USA, Malaysia When: 18 Feb 2005 (Fri), 7.30 PM at the Concert Hall Not-to-be-missed this season is Mo Fan and the Singapore Chinese Orchestra’s (SCO) realisation of Cao Yu’s damning classic, Thunderstorm (Lei Yu). A battleforce of luminaries - including Chinese talents Gao Man Hua and Wei Song, plus Singapore’s Wong Su Sun and Nelson Kwei - will hoist this epic play into a concert opera. SCO’s take on the tragedy of a feudal family wrecked asunder by corruption and changes comes riding on the vanguard of two earlier concert-operas: Marco Polo & Princess Blue (2002) and Confucius Cantata (2000). This time, however, the subject matter climbs up the melodrama scale. Shanghai Conservatory-trained Mo pushes Cao’s play to new heights from its the three earlier film and ballet dramatisations. This new operetta, premiered in Shanghai in 2001, has since been acclaimed for its realism and sensitivity in translating text into highly-charged music. This Singapore version features the award-winning talents of theatre director Goh Boon Teck and is set in the aristocratic household of a Straits Chinese family in Singapore in the 1910s. (In Mandarin with English subtitles.) 136mins with intermission. Concession price for students at $10, $15; NSF Men and senior citizens at $21, $14. I'm quite interested, chorale will be singing. Who's interested too? Tell me! Posted at 1:06 AM

Monday, January 10, 2005 So many things to do this semester. It's crazy. This feeling isn't good. I'm already feeling the busyness when I haven't even done the work yet. I just wish I can quickly finish doing things i need to do everyday and then enjoy my rest time. It's a lot of energy and effort needed. Have to think about my comm. I wish I can have more time with jf. Try my best ok. So I'm going to study development economics, economy of modern china, sociology, chinese and animal behaviour this sem. Must really start focusing more on praying and during praying, if not always drift away to lalaland halfway, and don't think so much, don't fret so much. End of holidays. My holidays had been good, was busy, but I'm satisfied how it was spent, anyway what can i expect from a busy schedule, not too much right... yah... that's it. Posted at 1:30 AM

Thursday, January 06, 2005 It's quite sad that many things have changed... Relationships have changed. Some people break up, some people find new love... When relationships fail... will it be considered a waste of time, a waste of effort? I don't know. And I don't have a model answer to this. I guess God has his plan for everything that happens to us. Perhaps... a failure has its lessons, it helps us mature, but at the cost of things... Only true love can withstand tribulations. Only true love can withstand and endure the test of time. Was just thinking about my friends and their relationships... and am quite sad for some of them who have broken relationships... when everything seemed to be so fine... because life is full of uncertainties and people change over time. Long-distance relationships are so hard to maintain... It's not surprising that people cheat on each other in such situations. It happens. You never know what your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing behind your back... and furthermore in such a faraway place. I feel sad for Lor. She doesn't deserve this. I feel sad that he's not as faithful to her. Nvm... it takes a lot of time for wounds to heal. Relationships are never easy... even if God has planned the right person for you... it still isn't easy. After all, humans are weak and we falter and we listen to the devil's voice at times... which cause many upsetting situations. I mean, we all have our weaknesses.... With so many things to do... the effort to keep things going has to be there. Even if it means a lot of effort, i think the love will spur that on. After all, we all love freedom right... the freedom to do our own things, the freedom to lead the kind of lives we want, the freedom to pursue our dreams, and all these may have to achieved at the cost of things... perhaps at the cost of having less time with each other, at the cost of not seeing each other for a long long time. I wonder whether there's a perfect plan to work this out. There will always be problems, and perhaps its the solutions that matter more than avoiding problems. Problems will keep coming... so there must be a way to understand each other. It's all about effort. I know some people just can't be bothered to understand, to listen... _____________________________ I spent most of the day doing cmb work... clearing the proposals which i had been procrastinating... I feel tired from thinking about my comm work, my comm members who have been very passive. Still... I have more to do.... Sometimes too much of comm work makes me tired... tired from staring at my laptop for a long long time... And then I wish after my comm work I can just find someone to just talk to... and express my boredom over the monotonousness of doing comm work the whole day. I should just start loving my comm more... then with greater passion i can find more fulfillment in things. Well I think it's because i was working alone in my rooom the whole day, that's why its dull. It's always the people and the results of the work, not the process yeah?! I shall go shopping tomorrow.. Posted at 1:15 AM

Wednesday, January 05, 2005 Yeah, got my laptop back.... now back in action with blogging! Have many many things to blog... last year's stuff, this year's stuff.... wow what should I begin with...? Christmas 2004 Christmas was erm... 2 weeks ago. But so many things happened. So many things and so many people moved me during the festive season. Caroling was as usual... an annual routine for me, but every year's caroling is different. It was different for both hall choir caroling and chorale. For hall choir and acappella, we carolled in Orchard Hotel for 5 days... It was an experience with its merits and demerits. It was good that we got a more established place to carol compared to the previous year and they paid us good money, really... It was a better place than the ulu grand plaza park royal because the crowd, as in, the public was better, more appreciative of our caroling. There wasn't really enough time to practise for caroling during the holidays... everything was so rushed, but thank goodness we were okay enough to satisfy the hotel management. Orchard hotel has really excellent christmas decorations... they were excellent to me... In the lobby, they had this huge gingerbread house with a gingerbread, candy and chocolate shop in it, and there's this excellent toy train display which was supposed to be the most conspicuous thing in the hotel lobby, supposed to be the primary highlight of the hotel. Cool~. Initially caroling was a bad start because we had trouble with the management as to which is the most desirable position for the choir and acappella group to stand. First, they placed us in a very unconspicuous position which was under the low ceiling and behind the gingerbread house. It made me wonder whether the hotel staff knew anything about caroling or not... seriously it doesn't make sense to pay us so much and then hide us in one corner of the lobby where perhaps our singing could not be heard as clearly due to constraints and poor acoustics of that position. It made me thought about whether the problem lies with the place, or the singers (say... don't expect too much from hall choir and acappella). For aca, we actually sang without mics, so it was really soft unless you stood near us... we sounded good, but not loud enough. Ok.... the second day was the same... until... one of the managers requested that we stand on the second storey, meaning, the balcony instead of the main lobby. Well, the balcony faces the main lobby entrance, so he might be thinking that the projection of sound may be better. But.... Screw the idea man... it's really a stupid idea to pay us so much and then hide us in a corner which was even more insignificant. Really... i think he doesn't understand the meaning of caroling, which pissed me off, cos' I can't stand it when the hotel managers insist on lousy decisions like this when they seem to know nothing about the meaning of caroling. Standing on the second storey to sing.. made caroling meaningless. Caroling isn't just about singing, and producing christmas music, it's also about a live performance where the singers make a connection with the crowd, the audience, where through live performance, the crowd can feel a sense of warmth and christmas spirit from the singers, it's more exciting when you can connect with the crowd through your music... yeah... if not what's the point of caroling, might as well just play a christmas cd or whatever. But none of the managers seem to understand this. Ok well... so i was pissed. I wasn't there everyday but eunice and josephine managed to get the choir down at the lobby entrance on the third day and so on.... Aca caroling was cancelled cos' it's stupid to sing like this without mics... since the hotel does not have enough mics to provide. Ok, so in the end, we shifted down to the lobby entrance... right at the entrance, right next to the toy train display, so much more striking and it was good overall. Am satisfied with the standard of caroling.... Glad to have known the choir and aca peeps a lil' better, especially eleanor, zhiqian, delphia, gladys.... blahblah... Oh and we had cute towels as x'mas presents. Yippeee. Glad to have known the chorale peeps better too. Ok we went to grand hyatt and sheraton. It was superb. It was the usual- not much practice, because we know our carols well, and we just sang and wowed the crowd. Did a lot of walking in grand hyatt. Instead of the usual half an hour session at one venue, the lobby, we walked around the hotel, changed our venues ten minutes after ten minutes... The restaurants had really great food great buffet!!! argh... but only for the rich people. We sang in a few restaurants and we had to squeeze together to sing... cos' of disgusting space constraints. All in all, the x'mas spirit was there and it was quite fun. Sheraton towers wasn't as good a place to sing in... both hotels look grand, classy and posh... cool~ but nothing can beat caroling in ritz carlton. Christmas eve was quite a bad night for me... cos' after caroling... orchard road was soooo jammed, sooo packed, it was sooo hard to locate eddie, supposed to meet him after caroling. So hard to make my way around orchard, so irritating to walk along orchard road too... really, those crazy people in orchard road armed with bottles of foam, having fun spraying and pranking each other and on strangers somemore. It made me so pissed because i was an innocent victim of all the spraying... There were a few times i wished i had scolded them, or shouted at them cos' i was angry... pissed... the orchard road crowd was really inconsiderate... and this dampened the christmas spirit. Nvm whatever.... Ok the last christmassy stuff i did was the celebration in church. Ok, i didn't do much for this cos' too occupied with other things. But my church friends were so enthusiastic (they had to be rite) that they made me enthusiastic somehow... hmm... I have to say that it was a success because a few people were saved that night and also... I think it was one of the most exceptional and successful christmas thing we did so far in church. The video clip was refreshing!!! well done... if only we had better equipment i think... But what touched me most in the end was the whole-hearted effort of the youths, the excitement and enthusiasm in them, and their heart for the church, their heart for the Lord. =) Almost everything that night reminded me of the last cmb concert... the amount of effort, the number of rehearsals. It was like seeing another cmb comm in church.... organisation... especially the lightsticks which reminded me of the lightsticks we used in the last cmb concert in march, same concept, the goodie bags which reminded me of our intensive marketing for huge goodie bags, the video too.. reminded me of our short smg clip... it was.. like a mini-cmb in church, smaller-scale... Deja Vu moment... but of course different motives. Anyway, the sense of familiarity was there. For one, I was part of the organising committee, and for the other I'm the performer on stage, and now... I'm chairing the comm.. Hmm. During christmas, I thought a lot about the real meaning of christmas, especially since the theme in church was to get people to seriously contemplate the true meaning of christmas... Really, without Christ, there'll be no christmas... for the christmassy ideas of giving and sharing, of love, joy and peace, of spreading the cheer... all stem from Christ the Lord. God gave his son to us cos' he loves us... and so the idea of giving and love... so thats why people give x'mas presents to each to other... as an epitome of the greatest present which God gave us- his Son. Joy and peace because of the good news that Christ the King has come to Earth... Even Santa Claus is created from the idea of giving. Hmmm... Now... i suddenly miss X'mas... maybe because I was so busy i didn't really have the time to just relax and enjoy the x'mas spirit. _______________________________ It was after x'mas that i realised i have so many things undone... so many things which i have to urgently attend to. So when i say i feel stressed... i think i'm crazy. Other people must be thinking i'm crazy since it's holidays... what's there to be stressed about... yeah. Major position of authority I am in... it really takes a lot of effort and sacrifice to get things going, to organise things... I hope that I won't lose my love and my passion for doing things when I get really really busy... New year eve was spent in church and then we stayed over. Ok did something different this time during new year's eve... it was good to stay around with church youths.. considering they're the bunch of people i talk to the least. _______________________________ I have to say that I'm always in my 'thinking' mode. Friends always tell me to think less... because maybe somethings aren't really worth my thinking-so-much, since nothing really concrete comes out of it or that nothing is really resolved. I pray that in this new year... I'll learn to become a more understanding person towards my friends, my family, especially to people who mean a lot to me. I pray that I'll be more understanding towards my parents (since we don't spend a lot of time together), and that I'll be more understanding towards jf too. Seriously, it's not easy to be understanding... meaning to really empathize and see and feel things from another person's point of view. Only with more understanding, more compassion. In return, I hope I'll be understood as well... that at times I have to fulfill my duties, my responsibilities because I must and am obliged to. It's not that i don't think of you people, but i have no choice but to sacrifice that free time i have in order to get things done. After all... it'll only be for some time.. definitely not permanent. Sometimes I wonder whether the general feeling is still unhappiness, that nothing much is done and achieved. If this is the truth, then I'll be so upset... I don't know what to do. I only hope that through mutuality and understanding that everything will work out well. Sometimes I think I'm so silly... but it's silly me again rite. It's because I'm weak that's why emotions get me down so much sometimes... Ok sigh... getting into the sad-thinking mode again. What can really remove my worries? It's to know that everything will be fine... and that everything is fine and everyday is a happy day for you and me. Now it's really full steam for CMB events.... and still in the process of charging for more academic work. CMB rocks~! Posted at 3:15 AM