Monday, December 27, 2004 My laptop is spoiled. Sad!! It's still under repair.... Hope I can get it back within these few days. Thats why I haven't blogged for so long.... Have many many things to blog about Christmas, about friends, about everything.... too many things... so I shall blog another day when I have more time.... cos' I gotta leave this computer soon. Till then.... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all!! Posted at 4:15 PM

Sunday, December 19, 2004 I feel like blogging more than doing anything else now.... just too many things on my mind.... I have to type lots of emails, msg people, come up with agendas, plan for next few months of work.... but I rather blog now.... lots of things to vent. Where should i start from... Have been thinking about so many things last few days... commitments, life's theories, Christmas... blah blah... Thinking too hard, too much isn't so bad.... But thinking unnecessarily is bad. Let's begin with how i feel today. I told jf that I do feel very stressed talking to him sometimes.. For the entire year, it has been like this. Sucks. I shouldn't be feeling stressed when conversing with him.... especially when we both are sulky about things. It's been a difficult year. Well, i think this kind of stress is self-inflicted. It's just me faith nah, jf doesn't feel stressed talking me at all, yah so it's just me.... me and my silly ways of exerting additional stress. I know why,cos' I JUST CARE TOO MUCH that i can even go oh so crazy about things. It really has been difficult, and i think i understand what putting more effort than needed means. It has been difficult, I think, cos' I feel I can't make things better, I FEEL WORRIED, AFRAID, ANXIOUS, CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THINGS SUCH THAT I REACH A POINT WHERE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SOOTH MY MIND MY HEART, WHERE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. There's nothing wrong with us now, really, just that when I'm constantly being reminded of the bad past, i can;t help feeling apprehensive and paranoid. I'M JUST SO AFRAID THAT THINGS WILL BECOME WORSE, OR THAT WE'LL REVERT TO THE BAD PAST AGAIN... AND I'LL BE SO HEARTBROKEN. I care in such a way that... I'm so afraid small things will just lead to the bad past again.... so I just hope that I can try my best to reduce such small things. It really makes me feel stressed seeing him sulk or get irritated. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong... or that I've fumbled again... and all that I am, to him, is just my weird ways, my mistakes, my weaknesses, my fumbles.... By right, since he's my bf, I should just feel okay fumbling in front of him... right?! Gosh.... i can sense my disgusting anxiety even more now. Perhaps only by knowing that he's happy, his smile and laughter, and that he knows i do care for him..... can then make me feel so much better... I hate sulking too. I think most of my friends can't imagine a sulky faith nah.... but i do feel unhappy, stressed sometimes too yeah. I hate myself for being busy these few weeks yah.... it's like i don't have so much time to spend with him and all i can do is the grab that little amount of time every night with him... It's like I'm making myself feel bad now.... when there isn't even anything wrong about the relationship now. Sometimes what he tells me can really affect me for a very long time, even if those words don't have significant meaning and he's just telling me stuff like normal conversation.... It all just stems from my fear of the lousy things that can happen, the most terrible things he can ever say to me.... OK, am i like... imagining things here....?!! Ok, actually I'm the more terrible person in this.... I've never thought that jf is bad or what... just that during difficult times, terrible hurting words can be said... and this is what all couples have to cope with right... Ok enough of rattling.... Still on thinking too hard, too much about things.... Just doesn't apply to relationship only... but also other general issues. Me and Ed are opposites. While he's rather happy-go-lucky... living life simply by accepting things without many questions.... I'm just the antithesis. While Ed simply believes, it is harder to make me believe something cos' I'll want to know why I have to accept certain instructions... I'll want to believe something with understanding and not just blindly believe, blindly follow just because I'm told to so. Not that Ed blindly obeys rules... but I'm the one with more questions, lots of questions doubts here and there... which isn't good. Does this explain why I often ponder too much and too hard?! Because I can't just accept things without fully understanding why i have to..... I think this is the first time I'm wishing that X'mas will quickly be over soon. I have things on everyday this entire week.... Why am i complaining of my schedule cos' by right I should be happy that I'm almost living a life enriched with music now. Music makes my life. True. I would be unhappy on normal schooldays when I did not have my piano to accompany, when I could not do the musical things which I want to do so much, when my priorities had to be studies above music. And now, music is my first priority, i have practices everyday.... from geyao, to acappella, to choir, to band, even including church stuff... and I'm feeling tired from all this. I think it isn't the music.... for a while it scares me to think that I can be tired of doing music, that if there's too much of something, I'll begin to grow sick of it even if it's something that I really love. It isn't the music.... It's the busy schedule. The crazy busy schedule of hall opening, caroling with hall and with chorale. It's beginning to take a toil on me, especially my brain.... So many things to take note of, to remember, how is it possible to remember every single little thing.... I hope I'm not overworking my mind... I'll try to come up with new ways to deal with this, new personal organisation methods... argh. Ok, I'm just angry with dunno-who-and-what that I'm lacking free time here. Ok.. I have so many things I wanna blog.... but I need to sleep. If not I'll just become crazier. I'm already crazy.... I need to rest from craziness. ********* It has been a year. A tough one, a problematic one, a sad one. What can i celebrate about the one year i've been through? What memories from this year can i celebrate? The occasional feeling of bleakness. And a sense of loss. Too many downs that affects me. Where are the ups? ********** Posted at 11:40 PM

Thursday, December 16, 2004 The Prayer I pray you'll be our eyes And watch us where we go And help us to be wise In times when we don't know Let this be our prayer As we go our way Lead us to a place Guide us with your grace To a place where we'll be safe. Posted at 4:06 AM

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 Precious Moments. I wish the precious moments can last forever.... Precisely because they can't last forever... that's why they are precious. I'm touched by angels today. Touched. I don't like the feeling of leaving you, even for a short while... but contented I shall be. What matters more is whether you know how i really feel at the end of the day. Does it really matter? I'm tired, but I don't mind staying up a while longer if that while means being with you. Today is a better day than yesterday. Isn't this great?! Posted at 11:55 PM

Random Thoughts How can a leader motivate and raise the morale of her members when she feels so bogged down, and a little tired of things...? ******************* How does it feel like to lie to someone, to anyone.... ? ******************* Do feel quite lost when i'm thinking of [ ] ******************* Very very very moody and down these days..... ******************* I want to have fun. ******************* I always think TOO MUCH and TOO HARD. So nothing comes out of it, just greater anxiety. ******************* Still thinking of [ ]. ******************* I think I'm going crazy over you. ******************* It's time that I learn how to LET LOOSE!! ******************* Too conscious, too mindful of myself. Still very down.... but getting better. ******************* Therapeutic blogging. I need a cathartic release. It really works for me. ******************* Don't be like this ok!!!!! ******************* If this entry doesn't make sense to you, I don't care. What matters most is that it makes sense to me. ******************* Bashes are boring. *Gasps* ******************* I cried so terribly hard and loud last monday. Just like a little girl..... A result of thinking too much and too hard. ******************* Feeling hungry at 4am. Will sleep the hunger away, as usual. ******************* Cast all your anxiety upon HIM because HE cares for you. ******************* God gives every bird its food, but does not drop it into the nest. ******************* I really really miss you A LOT. ******************* Why is it that i never get down to exercising even though i tell myself upteen times that i must i must i must i must exercise...? ******************* Mummy will scold me if she sees me like this.... Gotta cheer up ok!!! Be more perky! ******************* Hair still wet, but i don't care.... time to go lalaland... ******************* I love you. ********* Posted at 4:28 AM

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 [ ] From now on, I shall refer to a particular thing as [ ]. That's because I do not want to spell it out, yet I keep thinking about it, it keeps coming to me, and i'm very affected by it. When I woke up in the morning, it was [ ] which i thought of first, which made me quite moody... so i started by day like this. Ok, maybe it is pms too?! So I was thinking of [ ] whole morning. In fact, I hope i won't think of [ ] whole day, but i doubt so. Why do i let [ ] bother myself? Is there anything wrong with thinking and wanting [ ]? Maybe there's nothing wrong... just that, not everyone is like that... and so if others aren't like that, it doesn't me i can't be like that rite?! About [ ]. I think I'm just crazy. It's either I'm really crazy about [ ] that i can lose my rationality and senses over [ ], Or it's an accumulated feeling that comes naturally so it's nothing crazy. Why do i even bother trying to be rational over [ ], cos' if i'm rational, i'll become aloof. Nonchalance is never good, isn't it? Why do i even bother to spend effort into thinking whether i'm really crazy or not about [ ]? Why can't i just be myself? Forget about whether if [ ] is real craziness!! I don't know what can make me feel better. But as long as I'm doing something.... which is good enough to take my mind off [ ]. I don't know for how long I'm gonna feel this way.... about [ ]. Maybe it's just me??!! I'm contributing to my own moodiness and am responsible for how i feel now. What's this?! Why do I always end up faulting myself, or make myself believe that I'm the cause of everything that goes wrong? Is it so convenient to blame myself? So if i'm feeling moody, upset.... Am i to blame for how i feel? Do others play apart? Maybe they didn't do anything wrong... just that I could have reacted in another way to make myself feel better?! Quite frustrated now. Spent so much time thinking about how to improve some things last night. But nothing fruitful really came out from my pondering... maybe one person thinking alone isn't good enough. And all the comm work is making me busy. There goes my holidays. I don't really have a proper day to rest from work, from hall stuff. Perhaps the only time I can rest from that is caroling with chorale, at least chorale takes my mind of hall stuff... cos' they're a different group of people. Thank goodness they make me feel I have a life outside hall. And perhaps tonight is another time that can take my mind off work... Will be in orchard... dinner first... then hang around... then go to china black for bash. So busy for what? Who in the world can understand why i'm so busy? ********** And I'm still thinking of [ ]. I hope this yearning is normal. ********** The worst thing in life is not knowing how to relax and enjoy. Sometimes, melancholy, frustration, over-contemplation dominate every other thing else... and one does not know how to relax and enjoy life anymore. Why get so tensed and so conscious over everything.... should just learn to let go of oneself... let go of things.... and relax! ********** What's gotten to me? ********** Still thinking of [ ]. Hopeless me. ********** Posted at 5:28 PM

Friday, December 10, 2004 I'm down with diarrhoea and fever. *sad* Posted at 5:47 PM

Thursday, December 09, 2004 Earring Shopping!! Aren't these earrings pretty? Made by Rachel. Posted at 4:48 PM

Yeah it's holidays!! Performance with SCO Had chorale last fri, sat and sun... Fri was the rehearsal with SCO, cos' SCO was having their concert in the conference hall on sun. Sat was caroling practice... ok was quite fun singing those carols again, reliving memories and really got me into the x'mas mood. Sunday was fun... other than the performance itself. There was this harpist... she's a very pretty lady with nice long hair and good figure... she performed with us for dancing day... Read about her in the programme booklet and gosh... she's so talented, can play so many instruments like piano, violin, erhu, guzheng, harp... this is a true blue musician eh... Then there was this xylophone player who was amazing too.. all in all.. the music was nice... it was christmassy... i have to say that even though the orchestra is a chinese orchestra... they really sound fantastic playing x'mas carols like rudolph, jingle bells, joy to the world... they gave these songs a different edge... During the waiting time... the chorale guys did their own all-male-voices x'mas carols... it was rather hilarious at times but they sounded good. I think they just have nothing better to do... so they got crappy with themselves... After the performance, we went for dinner together.. went to crystal jade in holland v. I ate a lot a lot... Had lotsa dim sum and noodles, and soup.... yummy yummy.... It was my first dinner with chorale too. It was fun... knowing them better and better... cos' I don't usually join them for dinners (like so anti-social, since they always ask me to join them). Dinners are great socialising sessions. Since I'm on the topic of chorale... i have to say that i think dawn yin has such a amazing voice. She's a rare talent. While others have to train really hard to achieve a mere decent singing, her's is just innate... natural.. That's why I always admire people whose talents are inherent especially when it comes to vocals, musical abilities... Having these talents inherent really makes one's learning of music fast and really gives one a very great edge over others. Dawn has everything you need in a vocalist... everything you need in a soprano. Resonance, forwardness, brightness, placement, vocal production... she basically has everything, very pro I must say. It's just natural... She's the kind of singer who makes the rest of the sop section inferior. One thing i will appreciate about her is that... she has the versatility which many singers lack... Such talent shouldn't be wasted right... haha... think chorale is really a very good avenue for her to use her talents... if not, she'll just become a hidden talent. _______________________________________ Went out with my mum on monday... and I pierced my ears!! Ouch, it was painful. Don't believe people when they tell you that it doesn't hurt, cos' it sure hurts! Especially the moment when ear stud got shot through your ear. But after while, it doesn't hurt anymore... gosh I was afraid... haha, but since i know now... i may try for more earholes in the future. So now I have nice blue star-studded ears. Virgin ears no more!! _______________________________________ It's good to be in hall nowadays, it's nice peaceful quiet, maybe because it's the beginning of the holidays... activities are not so intensive yet. Actually I'm beginning to feel all the busyness which will come in the later part of the holidays. So when I'm free now and then... should just try my best to clear whatever comm stuff which I need to. I'm going to have acappella practice everyday from next week onwards... crazy... but running out of time to prepare for caroling and hall opening. Argh... so busy.... I'll be singing two songs with band, playing a song for william, and acappella for hall opening... aaahhh. Anyway hall opening stuff have been getting on my nerves now and then... many last minute changes... and i have to inform the performers asap. Sighs.... too short a time to prepare and expect so many things... guess a busy holiday is better than a holiday with nothing to do. Watched Bridget Jones Diary with jf on monday too... then spent lotsa money in crystal jade and coffee club. I have to say the muddy mudpie from coffee club is good icecream. I'm praying... praying that the caroling for sheares choir and aca will be smooth-going... Jf is sick again... pooor boy. I hope it isn't me that made him sick... hmmm. It's his fourth time falling sick this year... same thing as the last time... diarrhoea, fever... really hopes he gets well soon, so that he can go for his trainings and go out and have fun. It's so bad he's sick again... maybe he's tired... or did the kfc meal caused the diarrhoea?! :( Maybe he should just sleep more... get well soon!!! Ok, i have to get more things done tomorrow... It's holidays but I'm busy. Posted at 3:02 AM

Wednesday, December 08, 2004 Always Be my Home (by Rachael Lampa) Your heart will always be my home, No matter where I go, No matter what may come. You'll be my shelter in the storm, a harbor safe and sound, where only true forgiveness can be found. But still, I wanna run away And go it all alone. Will I ever learn from my mistakes? And I can't live without your love. Cause your eyes have seen beyond, the things I'm guilty of. I won't be afraid to turn back down the road. Cause your heart will always be my home. And when, I've cried a thousand tears, you've always wiped them dry. And watched me as I spread my wings and fly to a place, where holiness begins,and mercy never ends And I will find my freedom once again, But still, I wanna run away And go it all alone. Will I ever learn from my mistakes? And I can't live without your love. Cause your eyes have seen beyound, the things I'm guilty of. I won't be afraid to turn back down the road. Cause your heart will always be my home. Your hands are always open, to catch me when I call, I feel a million miles away, but that's no distance, at all... But still, I wanna run away And go it all alone. Will I ever learn from my mistakes? And I can't live without your love. Cause your eyes have seen beyound, the things I'm guilty of. I won't be afraid to turn back down the road. Cause your heart will always be my home Cause your heart will always be my home Posted at 5:47 PM

Thursday, December 02, 2004 Decided to delete my may, june and july archives. Those were basically depressing months. I do always remember those sad times... but I think I'll remember those days in my heart, not through blogging.... Posted at 3:05 AM

Always With Me. Itsumo Nando Demo Yondeiru Mune no Dokoka Okude Itsumo Kokoro Odoru Yume wo Mitai Kanashimi wa Kazoekirenai kedo Sono Mukou de Kitto Anata ni Aeru Kurikaesu Ayamachi no Sonotabi Hito wa Tada Aoi Sora no Aosa wo Shiru Hateshinaku Michi wa Tsuzuite Mieru keredo Kono Ryoute wa Hikari wo Dakeru Sayonara no Toki no Shizukana Mune Zero ni Naru Karada ga Mimi wo Sumaseru Ikiteiru Fushigi Sinde Iku Fusigi Hana mo Kaze mo Machi mo Minna Onaji Yondeiru Mune no Dokoka Oku de Itsumo Nando demo Yume wo Egakou Kanashimi no Kazu wo Iitsukusu yori Onaji Kuchibiru de Sotto Utaou Tojiteiku Omoide no Sono Naka ni Itsumo Wasure takunai Sasayaki wo Kiku Konagona ni Kudakareta Kagami no Ue nimo Atarashii Keshiki ga Utsusareru Hajimari no Asa Shizuka na Mado Zero ni Naru Karada Mitasarete Yuke Umi no Kanata niwa Mou Sagasanai Kagayaku Mono wa Itsumo Koko ni Watashi no Naka ni Mitsukerareta Kara _____________________________________________ Always with Me Somewhere, a voice calls, in the depths of my heart May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through I know on the other side of them I'll find you Everytime we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above We wake to it's blueness, as for the first time Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight I can with these two arms embrace the light As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real The wonder of living, the wonder of dying The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity Somewhere a voice calls in the depths of my heart keep dreaming your dreams, don't ever let them part Why speak of all your sadness or of life's painfull woes Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you The whispering voice, we never want to forget, in each passing memory always there to guide you When a miror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground Glimpses of new life, reflected all around Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea Cause here shining inside me, it's right here inside me I've found a brightness, it's always with me _____________________________________________________ Posted at 2:56 AM

No man is an island... Looking back... Memories. No man is an island No man stands alone Each man's joy is joy to me Each man's grief is my own. We need one another So I will defend Each man as my brother Each man as my friend. I saw the people gather I heard the music sound The song that they were singing Is ringing in my heart No man is an island No man stands alone Each man's joy is joy to me Each man's grief is my own We need one another So I will defend Each man as my brother Each man as my friend. No man is an island No man stands alone. ******** Those were the days... in VJC, in choir... that was my choir anthem. Always sang that song together, after competitions, during farewells, happy or sad, that song will always touch our hearts. Lyrics are meaningful isn't it. It serves as a reminder... we can't do without each other. Applies to the bigger picture of life too. After SYF in VCH, we cried so badly, so badly when we realised we didn't clinch the champion. We were second. Sigh, after ten plus years still second place. Something we wanted so much... We put in our best, so there were no regrets. Just disappointment... and lots of tears and crying in front of everyone after the competition. And we sang that really sadly. After competition in Prague, we sang that again but this time round in an ecstatic state.... happily we sang and cheered because we won the grand prize. At that moment, I felt the sacrifices I made for choir during my studying and exam period were worth it after all. I love choir back then.... I can proudly say that I belong to a group with such strong choir spirit, such strong togetherness, it's so hard to deny that the choir is not just a choir consisting of two batches of singers, but a choir consisting of seniors, to grand-seniors, to great-grand-seniors, and great great great great.... great grand seniors.... for only we understand the kind of effort the choir has to put in to achieve and maintain its good reputation. It was and is many many sacrifices... and i can't believe we were willing to put in so much for the choir. Not that we're obliged to, but we were willing, or more than willing sometimes. It was totally crazy sometimes, the kind of timetable we have, but the craziness of the blood toil and sweat was so worth it at the end of the day. This kind of nostalgia can't be described in words... they'll always be memories close to my heart. I can also proudly say that I've gained so much, learned so much, from everybody, from nelson... choir was an extraordinary musical experience. I've learnt so much musically, and we've forged such strong bonds so hard to break. Thank you choir for making my days in VJC so much sweeter, so much more enriching. Posted at 2:08 AM