Wednesday, March 30, 2005 "Think of all the things we've shared and seen. Don't think about the things which might have been." "Who really cares...?" I'm baffled everyday... ___________________________ Need lots of concentration this week to complete many many things... essays, projects. But I'm very disturbed deep down. Sigh... the unnecessary. Posted at 1:31 AM

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 It's really easy to satisfy me, to make me a little happier, to make me feel a little better.... Just a few meaningful words can suffice, can make me sleep a little better. Which also means little things can bother me a lot... really when I see an insignificant something not in its usual supposedly right state, yeah I start to get fidgety and touchy and sensitive to every single thing around me.... Sigh. I know shouldn't let my thoughts wander... some words, some thoughts just keep coming back to me. I don't know whether this is a problem- that the things in my mind just revolve around all these... I just can't help it.... I'm weak. Ever felt a sudden rush of tears, a sudden fear that grips you when you're being reminded of bad things unintentionally? Sometimes, I come across places, heard songs, come across words unintentionally and all these just reminds me so deeply of so many sad things.... I don't know how to cope. But I'll be fine. Just occupy myself all the time will do I guess.... so escapist. I miss my friends who are overseas... especially my best buddies... people how have spent significant amounts of time with me over all these years... I don't know who to go to when I need a girl-bonding good chat. Maybe which explains why I just end up talking to myself now and then.... unconsciously... bah.... When are you girls coming back...?? Posted at 8:50 PM

Monday, March 28, 2005 Today I NEARLY made a HUGE mistake. Yet I don't feel so very remorseful about it. Am I incorrigible? Or am I just more relieved that I didn't commit it? It's like.... I can be quite aloof about it... and this doesn't reflect very well of me... considering the seriousness of the situation. Well, can say that I'm quite frustrated with myself about it... but I don't show signs of my self-anger, my guilt.... Ok I NEARLY did, which means I didn't after all, and which means there can be a very strong tendency in the future??!! Sheesh. Ok, so anyway, I don't know how to make myself feel better from this... conclusion is... I feel bad for not feeling enough guilt about it. ??!! Had a good long weekend... Was rushing my chinese essay on friday... practically the whole of friday was spent on it, other than going to church in the morning and watching tv at night. Ok, really glad it wasn't too difficult after all. I watched the sound of music on tv last fri night... it was great!! Watched it many times already.... but I still love it. Simple songs, the usual touching storyline... hmmm I wonder what's the winning factor of this musical. Too bad I think I won't have enough to spend on the broadway show which is coming soon at esplanade... Then on saturday... went to watch The HouseJacks, a very very impressive amazingly talented group of guys who bring the art of a cappella to newer greater heights. They can do anything with a cappella, including punk, reggae, even linkin park songs can be sung a cappella style without losing the feeling of the songs... In the meantime don't feel like elaborating on them.. so just click the link and find out more yourselves. Overall, the concert at fort canning park was fantastic! Then as usual... I don't know whether I ended up mis-communicating with someone or whatever.... but as usual, everything just leaves me in contemplation. Aahh~ what's new..?! Posted at 1:15 AM

总是心不在焉 我不想刻意去找有意义的事情 只想与你一起活出生命的多姿多彩 也想时时刻刻知道你的想法 时时刻刻与你分享我的感触 虽然这条路不容易走 但希望你能分分秒秒陪伴我 我也会伴你走 你不需时常出现 只要你能让我感觉到你的存在 你的支持 你的爱意 我就心满意足了 我也就此感到安慰 我再也不想沉醉在自己的忧虑 这些都是不必要的 你能帮我吗 让我心情更好些 我想我需要的是肯定 请你体会我多一点好吗 也请你不要怪我的做法 希望你能了解我的心意 Posted at 12:38 AM

Thursday, March 24, 2005 A sense of loss. Want so much but can't give so much. __________________________________________ Sometimes contemplate and sometimes do. If you don't see the stars twinkle at night It doesn't mean that they are not there They're just hidden behind the clouds And you will surely see them shine again. Posted at 4:12 AM

Sunday, March 20, 2005 Just feeling sulky you're seldom with me. Now and then. But it's okay... I'll be fine and there's nothing wrong. Just silly feelings. Posted at 1:00 AM

In deep thoughts today. Often wishing and dreaming and thinking of the worst-case scenarios. I wish and I wonder But I didn't care about finding the truth Or I thought that even if I know it doesn't matter Or rather I didn't do anything about it I didn't try to make myself feel better Perhaps I'm so used to being like this It doesn't matter anymore Or does it? I don't know... I don't know whether what I'm rambling here makes sense I'm all right... don't have to worry about me. Posted at 12:45 AM

Saturday, March 19, 2005 Not feeling well today. So i woke up early... all ready to go for my ch project meeting... but went back to bed after showering, cos' really no energy to do my project, just knew that i'll faint on the way from my room to the bus stop... then didn't take breakfast... so was feeling crampy and hungry and sucky until the afternoon.... then as i felt better in the afternoon... i was stoning away... still not feeling good and was hoping night will come quickly. Think I was longing for company and nobody was around. Then jf told me he'll be going home soon. Ok so well... just when i thought he wouldn't be coming to see me before he left, he appeared.... ok that was nice. It's easy to make me happy right... Yup. But when I'm all alone... i often let my thoughts wander... often in a yearning mood to be loved just a bit more.... often asking myself whether i deserve the bad things that happen to me or not... often thinking of him and wishing he can be next to me.. and not just look for me only when he needs detergent. Tonight i miss him a lot. As usual... nobody will know all these feelings of mine. My left shoulder's been aching past few nights... can't lean on my right. Can't lean on my left too even tho' it's more comfortable. It's not like I've been doing vigorously straining activities... just freakin' hurts maybe cos' I'm tired?!. Maybe it's a sign to tell me to rest well. What's the big deal.... Wanna blog about the success of my cmb concert... but really not so free to do this... cos' it'll be a super long blog... another time perhaps. In the meantime, I wanna find some time to chill out anywhere... at least have some private time, or just chill out with friends in the midst of projects, projects and projects. I still miss jf~ and I wanna chill.... chill.... chill out.... Posted at 12:15 AM

Thursday, March 17, 2005 YEAH! I feel so satisfied.... CMB concert was a success!! The most satisfying thing I've accomplished this academic year and in my 2 years of hall life. Really really happy... Thanks everybody for making happy and supporting me!! Thank God for this wonderful learning opportunity... Really learnt a lot in this arduous journey. CMB rocks! Posted at 2:15 AM

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 Today I was doing something I enjoy - observing people's facial features. I just think it's interesting haha... not that I was in a voyeuristic mood, and I didn't do that purposely as well. Just saw a girl passing by me... and she striked me as someone with very boyish features, so she kinda caught my attention. Not that she's boyish in character or mannerisms... just that her facial features are too boyish for a girl yah... Means, I think she'll be really very good looking if she's a guy instead. Somehow, I like observing people's features, esp good looking girls and guys hehe... but I can never conclude how the interesting features make someone girlish or boyish... eh....?! Just that it's really easy to recognize whether someone has boyish features or not.. like if a particular girl were to be a guy and she looks gross as a guy... then she sure doesn't have boyish features. Like me... I think if I were a guy instead with my present facial features... I'm gonna look like half-man half-woman.... yucks. haha... And I think most of us are in this grey area... that if we were the opposite sex instead, we're all gonna look disgusting. But some girls can be handsome, and some boys can be very pretty. Ok well... Posted at 2:00 AM

Monday, March 14, 2005 Please don't take away what I already have. Because everything's too precious to be taken away, to let go. I'm so tired~ Posted at 2:47 AM

Friday, March 11, 2005 Tell me how to study properly and do my projects properly when the concert's just next week... Keep thinking about it... A lot still needs to be done... Very eager for the work sessions to come.. I'm nuts... but yah I'm just like that. Gets rather distracting when the concert's just a few days away... Sigh~ So sleepy today I took such a long nap urgh! Long nap means > 2 hrs... which makes me feel a bit guilty and lazy... D&D later... wheee!!! Music on my lappie now is... Kylie Minogue - can't get you outta my head.... lalalala... (can't believe I'm listening to this...) Posted at 4:19 PM

Thursday, March 10, 2005 Mid-term test in another 10 hours.... ok lah... barely studied some chapters... focused a lot on some... i guess this is what is called selective studying eh. Blah... whatever. The test is bugging me somehow.... Mind's supposed to be focused on the test... or rather, be in the right mind to sit for the test properly. But can't help thinking sometimes. There are many doubts which I wish I have answers to. Not so much about answers from God... but answers from people.... people around me all the time. I've stopped asking many things for a long time, maybe cos' I've gathered that they're questions which are stumbling blocks... not a good thing. But I so wished I can ask what I want, no matter how silly my doubts and questions are. I can sound like a silly little girl at times... yah but can't help it. So I don't feel comfortable having so many uncertainties in my mind. Not feeling sad now... just being contemplative again. Reason why I'm contemplative is cos' I always hope I can get some answers from my own contemplation... but usually not. Blah. Am so yearning for someone to come tuck me to sleep.... or just be with me now physically. At least it helps me from thinking too much. Yah, I need a right pal who can consistently remind me not to think too much. Yeah.... Posted at 2:40 AM

Monday, March 07, 2005 So exciting that cmb concert is drawing nearer!! Really excited about it.... it'll be the day when i can see all the fruits of my efforts and of course my comm's efforts... was very worried about many things about it last few weeks.... but now I really can't get worried anymore, unless some major cock-ups gonna happen... I'm just a bit relieved that things are gradually taking shape.. hmm. It will also be the day when I can step down as chairperson!!! Cos' it's the most major and final event i'll be organizing in sheares hall...!! After that can really spend a lot more time on other things. Well... my concern now is money..?! I really need funding... cos gonna spend a lot of money this week in organising the concert.... I've already spent a lot of money on comm stuff.... so it's time for my members to fork out. Really, the lag time for reimbursement is unpredictably long... haven't gotten back my money which i spent last 2 months... hmm... sad... and then it's hard to get my parents to understand why I can spend so much money at one go... simply because i feel i need to fork out money, do a bit of sacrifice here as a chairperson.... then they'll think that i anyhow spend money blah blah... seriously I'm broke now... I dun mean to publicize the fact that I'm only gonna survive this week with less than 10 bucks... just have to blog down all my frustrations yah... and i still need to spend more money.. sigh. Nvm at least got hall breakfast and dinner everyday. THANK GOD for that! yah really.... I lost my handphone last week.... haha but mum bought me a new one la... which is good... just that the phone's a bit ugly. But nvm... i'm really thankful that my mum got me a new card and new phone... But again... i dun like mum when she gets so naggy... i agree that she doesn't know what i'm doing most of the time... defintely...not like she bothers to find out what I've been doing in school in hall.... so i guess she thinks that i waste a lot of time... but no no.... i wish i have time to waste... yah but i don't have that luxury of time. Nobody has lah.... and i dunno.... i hate it when parents talk to me about the 'future'... like what i wanna achieve in the future... it's depressing la... cos' we don't think the same. What i want for myself is very much demoralised by what my parents think I should want... Sigh, they have more experience but i know my own strengths and weaknesses better than they do. I know what can bring out my strengths... but i dun think they know. That's the sad thing in life... that my parents are very concerned about what I should think... but they don't even bother to find out what I think about things. That's why I think that there's no point elaborating so much to them... in the end it's just thoughts that will be cast aside. Does what i really think matter...? Well I can get quite stubborn really... especially towards things that i feel a lot for... I know what I want for myself... but often faced with issues of my parents that makes me doubt a lot sometimes... why is it that some people can make me see things in such positive light but my parents just make me feel so demoralised sometimes. So are my friends who have encouraged me and understood me all fools? I realized that as I grow and mature day by day... I'm beginning to be really more firm with my own principles and values, my own beliefs and thoughts and ideas, especially things about my life. I don't know whether this is self-centeredness or what... just that sometimes I'm so engrossed in what I want for myself... I'll feel so upset when things don't turn out the way I think it should be. I choose to do things which I know I have the potential for, things what will make me happy... This has got nothing to do with me and God... it's more of like me and my parents... conflicting objectives. I know they meant well.... but sometimes I think they're not interested what I think... it's just what they think that's more important. Hey, I'm an adult now... so i wanna be treated like an adult, an adult with her own opinions and decisions and views, i may not be right, but at least i've shown progress in maturing for an adult and i know that i need to plan and work for my future, work for what i want. I'm no longer a kid that just receives what people say... i wanna be heard too. At least, show me that you're concerned about how i feel... hmm... well...whatever. Tired~ Tomorrow will be a better day.... tomorrow will be another full day at the library... where i need to do my readings there... cos' books i need are not on loan.. yup. Yeah... dun like hanging out in the library cos' too quiet... but no choice eh.... my sources are all there... In the meantime gonna figure out how to get money this week.... urgh I'm so broke!! Posted at 3:00 AM