Saturday, February 19, 2005 Here, There, and Everywhere (a very nice song by the Beatles) To lead a better life I need my love to be here. Here, making each day of the year Changing my life with a wave of her hand Nobody can deny that there's something there There, running my hands through her hair Both of us thinking how good it can be Someone is speaking, but she doesn't know he's there I want her everywhere And if she's beside me I know I need never care But to love her is to need her Everywhere, knowing that love is to share Each one believing that love never dies Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there I will be there, and everywhere Here, there, and everywhere. Posted at 11:19 PM

I feel so bad now... cos' a slip of my mind has caused something really quite seriously bad... Apparently I forgot to check something, which i was supposed to, and now i feel responsible for one of my members... apparrently he may not be getting any points after all... And this made me doubt my own abilities as someone who's in a position of authority. How there are just so many things to take care of, so many things to remember, and it's just terrible when just a slip of my mind can cause such serious consequences. Don't know whether I was stressed, busy, too many things that I forgot, or was I simply not being responsible enough. ?! Sighz. Nvm... Ok don't want to think about this... Have you ever wondered whether people ever take you for granted? That they always assume that your services will always be there no matter what happens... you'll always be there to dive in and rescue them, or that you'll always be there to help them. Well I think this happens all the time... what if one day, you decided you won't be there for them anymore...?! Must it always be when people lose you, when people lose the help and good things which have been surrounding and protecting them all the time, that only then they will begin to realise your importance, that we're all inter-dependent, and that they cannot always take you for granted then... I think this applies to all situations in life... It's just up to each and everyone of us to do the thinking and realising, to feel and appreciate all good things and people around us. Have you ever take people around you for granted? Take your parents for granted? Your friends? Your leaders? Your comm members? People whom you know will eventually help you even if they themselves are in dire straits too? Was just thinking that there are a lot a lot of things we do in life for others... but they just don't know how to appreciate and they don't know how hard you work... you simply do it cos' you have to fulfill your 'given' responsibilities, they never know how much stress you feel... Whatever.... Feeling unappreciated makes me just wanna appreciate others even more... yeah whatever. I'm beginning to learn how to become more detached when it comes to understanding certain situations, certain people... Being detached means putting yourself outside the situation and not in the situation... cos' when you're in it... there's the danger of getting emotionally involved and this may cause you to become biased.. and being biased doesn't help at all when you wanna solve problems or when you wanna do things fairly... Being biased simply means just seeing things in one way.... and not considering all other possibilities... Well, it's merely another thing i learn in life... try to see something in a different light, or consider other reasons instead of immediately giving quick inaccurate judgements... Hoping today will be a better day after i wake up... !! Posted at 12:55 AM

Friday, February 18, 2005 Happy happy girl now...! Hope my happy happy mood won't be destroyed by all the work i need to do later. My precious moments.... May every moment be cherished. Learn to appreciate and treasure little moments in life. Posted at 4:53 AM

Thursday, February 17, 2005 Suddenly I don't feel like doing anything now... I want good company and I want a longer break... Still have tonnes to do... heck it for a while... Most prob start doing work like around 11pm later... Yawnz... Tired tired... maybe it's just the monthly ritual again... feeling like my energy has been all sucked away.... Woke up at 8am today amazingly, had an hour to get breakfast... but i didn't go down after all... what's with me... Staring at the laptop for a long time is bad for the eyes... wonder how i've been surviving~ finally my eyes feel fatigue... Have a lot of cravings now... chocolates, icecream, strawberry milk, more episodes of SATC, be in the company of jf. Yawnz... Posted at 8:18 PM

I wish I have all the energy in the world.... to complete all the things I need to do for the day!!! Simply because I hate procrastinating, delaying.....!! I wanna 'bia' really hard.... but no energy to 'bia' . I'm so tired now..... cos i slept at 5.30am in the morning, and I wished I can feel so energetic now to stay awake longer to do everything i need.... and then have a good sleep. Seriously, some things which I need to do like two weeks before, one week before... still not done yet.... and I hate slipshod work... make-do kind of work... and i can't afford slipshod work... cos the projects are a large percentage of my grades... and also comm work has to be of quality and only i will bother to QC everything single detail. It's major comm but seems like super major lots of work. And being the chairperson, have to take a lot of initiative to think of ideas, to initiate myself and to motivate my members.... OK.... just another entry where I get fed up about the things I do everyday. Posted at 12:20 AM

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 My Happy V-Day!!! I enjoy my tetra-packed strawberry milk nowadays... it's simply plain strawberry milk and nothing more.... not a fanciful drink. But I love it. I received a bouquet of flowers on V-day night... 12 red roses - my favourite rose colour! Haha.... the flowers were delivered by zaihao but of course not from him... obviously from SOMEONE right... who kept denying that the flowers weren't from HIM. haha! dunno what to say since he kept saying he didn't give me that.... okay i checked with the swocs who were selling the flowers okay and they said it's from YOU... but you said it's not from you... so whoever gave me flowers... thanks!! (though you may not be reading this) So nice so nice.... hmm..... Initially i thought the flowers were delivered to the wrong girl... cos' i thought i won't get flowers... and then it can't be from other people rite... Was thinking, what if the flowers were really not from him (since he kept denying...), then really, I won't be so bothered about the flowers.... Pretty pretty roses sitting in my room... haha. Watched Constantine with jf on sunday.... ok.. think the movie's not bad... quite interesting.... but really twisted story of truth (but since it's supposed to be fictional... nvm) and of course full of the inevitable Christian connotations. Hell sure looks frightening in the movie, but think the real hell may just be worse... Then had sushi yipeee!! Was really a good break from work. Think V-day is really for people who are super super busy.... then comes along a day called "valentine's day" - for people to take a break... as jf said... valentine's day is like holiday for people who are working everyday... (perhaps students won't think it's like holiday...), who, of course thinks i won't understand that very well... It's day when couples can do something extra nice together... don't have to really celebrate it in an expensive style... just something nice... like go out and have fun and be away from all the busy and hectic working life for a while and just enjoy each other's company. Everywhere I went, I saw people, men and women, all buying super expensive gifts for each other... every girl had a blissful bouquet of flowers... and couples all had something showy with them which physically outwardly display their celebration of love and romance. V-day has become so commercialised... just like X'mas has become so commercialised... Both V-day and X'mas may just become festivals that will lose their true meanings in the future... I have nothing really expensive, nothing classy and nothing really beautiful for him. He can't buy me back the time i spent making it, and that's more valuable and costly than anything else. It's not simply 'the thought that counts', but it's how much thought and how much effort that counts. Well, not saying that i'm so nice to make something... but i just thought it's always nicer to be able to make something myself... but v-day over already... and my present for him still sitting in my room. Went to watch jf run in road relay just now.... now finally i've already seen him played squash and seen him run. ???!!! I'm so tired now.... Don't know why... I haven't even finished all my work... and I wanna keep doing until I complete what I really need to do tonight... I hate to procrastinate... it just means accumulating and accumulating.... which makes matters worse right. I will never know whether I'm over-working, or whether I'm putting in too much or too little effort in whatever I'm doing... I just keep doing and doing so long as I think I should.. I guess the horrible weather played a part in making me so tired now... Study, CMB, or sleep? Posted at 2:27 AM

Monday, February 14, 2005 I don't know why I still insist on doing some things... when I know so well that it's just so innately rebellious of me... I don't know why I choose to go my way even though I've received wise advice from others... but they're just advice right?! (Doesn't mean all advice are correct.... they're still subject to disagreements....) That's why I don't know... whether it's really foolish of me to not heed advice sometimes... Cos' maybe the way I perceive my own life... is very different from how others who use their experiences and opinions to advise me.. I don't know when are the moments I live life idealistically, when are the moments I live wisely, and I do not know to what extent have I been daydreaming and to what extent I've been trying to achieve to live it as meaningful as how I want it to be... Someone should just tell me I think too much. (and I'm not feeling so melancholic now... just some thoughts over the last few days... I'm really quite happy the past week....) Posted at 1:29 AM

Thursday, February 10, 2005 I don't know how it came to me... but suddenly i got myself into thinking what i wanna do this year.... e.g. the 3-month holidays... what to do? Don't wanna waste time doing meaningless jobs... Wanna learn piano again.. so must 'xia ding jue xin'.. find resources and requirements and estimate how long i need to complete and how much time i need to spend with my darling piano. I must start searching for possible scholarships during hols for my after-NUS plans... and start accumulating good music records... sigh.. like who will want to give me scholarship? or sponsor me for studies after NUS? And i don't have a referrant anyway... Money money money.... so which means i need to get a job during hols. Nothing comes easy.... got to do my research.... so anyway i always start doing research whenever i'm free to surf... like just now.... Haha.... or maybe I should just join s'pore idol in the hope that i can win.... then i can earn more money hopefully and start saving up. But no.... just take it as i didn't mention joining s'pore idol... It's not in my character to go for an idol competition... no no... not s'pore idol.... Just don't like being on tv. Haha... or maybe i won't even be on tv at all... just be some obscure rejected contestant. I really need some support... some morale-boosting support.... if not it's impossible to just depend on myself to boost morale. It's hard i know.... gonna be 21 soon this year..... aahhh! I can continue day-dreaming.... What about my 21st bday? Why bother thinking so far ahead.... when I haven't even decided what I wanna do for V-day next week.... Posted at 3:26 PM

Wednesday, February 09, 2005 It's so time-consuming... cos' I did it wrongly twice... so must re-do. argh!!! really hope it's worth all this effort.... very frustrating to re-do things. ~Happy CNY to everybody~!! Posted at 11:55 PM

Sunday, February 06, 2005 Oh I'm excited about the coming CNY week and also about rockfest! Rockfest which means College Rock Festival will be on 5 March, Saturday 4 to 10pm at Youth Park! Come down and support ok!! I've got to be there at like.... 8 plus in the morning all the way until 11pm... whaaa... sure tiring.. having to manage all the bands and all.... Had Rockfest meeting with Giam from OMS and the CFA programme coordinators... They were really nice people... and as we were discussing and planning all the deadlines... it really got me excited.. cos' finally I'm gonna reap the results... it really feels so good to see that things are getting on the way... and soon my posters and postcards will be out the week after CNY!! Publicity will be out! And I can't wait to publicize to the whole hall about Rockfest and also all over campus.... At least, people will finally know that there'll be a rockfest just like last year... cos' not many people are aware of rockfest or even remember it... Most of the time I'm working behind the closed doors of my room.... settling all the emails and paperwork, doing all the thinking by myself... reminding people of the things they need to submit to me... hmmm such quiet work.. who will know that I actually spend a lot of time in my room organising such a big event... Well now you know! Then i had chicken and mushroom pie and a hot latte at Dome (we had rockfest meeting there) and it was on tab... haha.... cos official meeting means the food and drinks are free haha.... Well things I'm gonna do this week..... 1. Go shopping for nice presents. 2. Finish my sewing. 3. Finish my sociology and econs readings and do my research for animal behaviour project. 4. Go out. 5. Enjoy CNY... yippeeee... I really hope that I'll have a good week ahead... It's not good enough to just plan and plan... have perfect plans but then not carry them out... Have in mind so many nice things, but don't make enough effort to achieve them. Not easy to juggle and remember so many things. Sometimes tired from thinking and wishing that others can help me think and contribute automatically. All this talk... about 'planning and doing' really triggers many other thoughts. I still find it hard to let go and still trying to struggle and conceal my own unhappiness. All the talk about allowing God to take charge and letting Him help me rise up from my personal failures and a past which I tend to allow myself to drown in. No self-pitying here. I'm not the sort that will sympathize with myself. But when everything small thing is capable of triggering sad thoughts of the past.... I will feel so upset. Because I think so much, I wish so much that I know what other people are thinking that I just ridiculously spend time guessing and figuring out what they're all thinking. Silly girls do silly things like this. I wish I can just snuggle under a cosy blanket with someone now... Melancholy sums up my situation. Happiness is most of the time, short-lived. Or put it this way, I have more troubling issues than happy things. Think I need turn to God's words more often... Blahzzzzzz........ Posted at 2:25 PM

Thursday, February 03, 2005 In a better mood now.... Watched Mean Girls on my laptop... It was a good break... from sch work and cmb. Sometimes I so totally love bimbotic bitchy brainless shows like this... Then I downloaded from my friends a few episodes of Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City... haha... i'm happy got good shows to watch on my lappie now.... So when I finish doing my work... can watch for fun... haha... apparently I don't watch the usual tv programs anymore... maybe except american idol.. Haha the joy of downloading desperate housewives and sex and the city.... ! finally and hopefully i can find all six seasons of Sex and the city. Very outrageous and sexually explicit episodes sometimes.. but it's a hilariously crazy show in a good and entertaining way... and... carrie bradshaw's sure fun. Things I shall do by end of this sunday: 1. Clean my room for CNY! Kinda excited about cleaning up my room... like really clean every corner and everything... Cleaning up is not fun.. but the thought of having a sparkling clean room after that will urge me greatly... 2. Go shopping for JF. 3. Make a trip down to Queensway and Ikea. Have been wanting to go ikea for really long time but haven't done so... Ok That's all for now... Need to go back to my readings... Posted at 2:54 PM

Wednesday, February 02, 2005 A stranger popped by my blog and dropped me an email. He thinks I'm a melancholic person and really tries to advise me in his very long email. I wonder how he came to know this blog. But suddenly i feel weird having my life publicized to the world out there and he made me even more conscious of this. Well, thanks for your advice whoever you are. Most of the time I'm okay... not so melancholic. And I feel a bit weird getting friendly with strangers suddenly. Like.... do i know you?! Or do you know me?! Posted at 1:10 AM

Tuesday, February 01, 2005 OK I'M GETTING CRAZY DOWN HERE... I NEED TO *BREATHE* AND DE-STRESS. I'M LIKE SO PESSIMISTIC... I WANNA STEAL SOME TIME FROM YOU TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. I'M SO FREAKIN' FED UP. SORRY I'M JUST LIKE THAT.... WHEN I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF I DON'T KNOW WHO TO SCREAM AT... SO I SHALL SSSCCRREEAAAMMM HERE AT MY BLOG. I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW. Posted at 8:08 PM