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Sunday, May 22, 2005
My new journal Posted at 12:43 AM |
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Friday, May 20, 2005
I've decided to stay at home for the next 3 weeks... if i really can't get work, or unless i have to really go out no choice. So friends, please don't lure me out unless u have something really good to offer me. I shall only go out for shaca, chorale, church and any urgent matters. Those desperate to see me should just settle for phone chats with me. I have my reasons okay... :) Anyway i just wanna say... to shihua.. hey babe i think u're having a great time out there.. don't worry too much about jobs.. enjoy yourself.. and i'm happy for u dearie.. *If this is all i can make do with for now... i shall be contented and glad If i can only settle for this much, i shall, and i shall not let this dishearten me. To be disheartened is bad... cos' i want so much... to keep this going on.. the way it should be, and i shall and i must. For i know too well.. i can't afford dire consequences, any dreadful feelings anymore... not anymore... please... i beg of...... So i shall, by faith. This risk shall be worth it, no matter what.* Posted at 11:53 PM |
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I just wanna thank God.. for what He has given me.. I think He has given me many chances and I should be grateful, very very grateful. Learning to count blessings and be thankful to Him is something that still needs learning. When i start thinking and seeing what i have, rather than what i don't have, there will be so many uncountable nice things in life, so many... mundane as they all can be, but still blessings from Him. Posted at 11:06 AM |
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Thursday, May 19, 2005
Someone gonna fly to london soon... so exciting! while in the meantime i shall just contemplate when i can travel out on my own next year, next next year..? after grad... when? alone.. best buddies trip? L.A. sounds good. europe even better... i'm so expensive rite.. haha. You got me suddenly interested in london.. haha seems like i always have a thing for travel books and discovery channel- travel & adventure. Anyway today i got irritated by a sickening disgusting make chauvinist!! stupid irritating mcps..! Posted at 7:42 PM |
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I'm not doing anything for SHaca yet.. yah which i'm not sure good or bad... good cos' i have more free time and don't have to practise with them everyday, bad cos' i love aca, shaca, singing, joining them, but seems like they cant slot me in for any songs and even if they can, it's only for one song.. eeeerrrhhhh what's the point.. yah... cos' i missed so many practices due to china trip.. sigh.. wonder how the recording next week will be done. SOV was as usually fantastic, great songs, and i guess most people enjoyed the teresa teng medley. Haha.. of course great songs to me, musically inclined people always have different perspective of the songs, yeah of course most songs were inclined towards the category of fine arts, rather than songs meant to satisfy the audience... yah. But generally, most people think it's great... so well done then... hehe. In the meantime, I hope nothing will dishearten me and him. And i'll always try to be as understanding as i can be. Life is great with you around. Posted at 12:46 AM |
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Monday, May 16, 2005
Was in a very horrible state last night. Eyes hurt so much today. But I really am fine now... Feeling much better. Thanks to my parents who were there for me. Though they were kinda stressing me out at the same time, but i feel very consoled when my dad told me he wanna protect me and mum said there are a lot of people who still love me a lot and i'm her bao bei. They were convinced that I got bullied real bad, somehow they were really mad at me too which was distressing for me, cos' they think i dunno how to protect myself... spent a lot of time reassuring ... I didn't even tell them any details. No, not bullied, was just letting all my emotions out... Still very much a little silly weak girl inside, i want to be so much more rational but i suck at it. But not long after i woke up... cleared things.. and feel better better better better... and i know i have to really... i don't want to worry anymore, so that others won't worry about me. I just hope nothing will discourage me from continuing... everything just means so much... but yeah... forget about the "suicidal" stuff ok.. I'm a happy girl now! and am looking forward to the concert tomorrow and other things... yeah... though there might be things that make me sad sometimes, but the optimistic side of me says there are so many things to be happy about... And i should really keep things in prayer constantly. IN everything, God has His plans.. to mould me and to make me a stronger person through Him. I'm not sure whether I wanna work this holidays... did try to apply.. but seems like no temp job for me. Ahh... should have applied like earlier earlier... so i'm still waiting to see whether anyone can still offer me work... It's because I really want to save money cos' not much personal savings left... really wanna have enough money.. the treat which i promised, and some things which i think have to fork out first before people return me.. all need enough $$$.. ok so must really try to spend on what i think is really worth. Not being stingy... but i guess as we grow up, we all try to scrimp and save as much as we can... Posted at 11:31 PM |
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Saturday, May 14, 2005
LS was saying that my blog is like... suicidal...?! But I'm far from suicidal... like really far... yah no wonder it doesn't speak much of me rite.. (from what some people think of me).. yah ok so from now onwards.. no more "suicidal" blogging ok... Then LS recommended macritchie as a great place to hang out... be close to nature... relax and enjoy... so suddenly i felt like wow... i'm a tortoise cos' i really know nothing about macritchie or when he told me that there a lot of cool places in s'pore to explore.. but i don't know anything. Ok as i was just chatting online with him, he just reminded me my own character.. not deliberately, just chatting.. so in conclusion, i'm not so much the "lone ranger" that i think i am.. or well i've come to a conclusion that being a lone ranger type of person will never be good for me. Well.. just look at what being lone ranger has done to me... i will just ultimately destroy myself if i continue to adapt a lone ranger lifestyle. Have tried being lone ranger sometimes.. yah but nothing good comes out from it. Oh well.. or maybe guys just make better lone rangers than girls do.. i know of guys who are happy lone rangers.. who really like being alone and undisturbed. Yah ok... so maybe i'm the sort who 'yearn for company more.....'. What i'll like to say is... LS i think u're a nice fren to keep.. thanks for remembering my down period.. since i so RARELY talk to you nowadays.. ok so no more talking about sad things next time.. yah and maybe i should learn to let go.. and stop self-reflecting for some time.. stop evaluating myself for a while.. just stop since it's not doing me good, and really change even though i'm so used to accumulating my troubles. At least i know i'm beginning to not feel so pessimistic... Weird.. but i'm thinking now that maybe i should try to fall in love with solitude. Just like to say thanks to some dear peeps out there.. i feel glad that i have you chaps to count on.. you know who you are or maybe you have forgotten that you have played an important role in encouraging me.. those of you who have done a lot in trying to assure me, to encourage me, to make me feel better during those times when all that i need was someone to talk to... i hope that all your words were the truth and not just words said for the sake of assurance. I feel glad that... at least i was never rejected by you chaps whenever i needed y'all. You were there standing by me and making sure that i'll be okay after talking. I'm just really glad to know that I'm worth the time, I'm worth listening to, I'm worth talking to.. that y'all really care for me and support me.. through the small things and the big things. Really appreciate y'all. And i know i can always count on the ONE up there.. God says "Never will I forsake you... never will I leave you." I wish I don't have to feel so much everytime after blogging. Posted at 11:29 PM |
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
shanghai is fun...! love it. anyway been quite happy these few days, which is good... when not in s'pore, there's nothing much to think about cos' all i need to do is relax and have fun, discover new things, try not to worry myself too much or think about other people. nothing much to blog too... just hanging out in the wang ba with the-eds now. i wanna start a new blog... dunno.. maybe shift to livejournal or xanga... Posted at 1:11 PM |
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Thursday, May 05, 2005
6 to 13 may - china (first to beijing.. then shanghai) 17 may - SOV 14 to 21 may - SHaca recording? tentative performance on 21 may @west coast. waa so after i come back on 13 may, need to sing lots. And i haven't really memorize my 3 songs for SOV. plus got one thick booklet of songs to catch up after missing so many chorale pracs. don't even think i will go for SHaca faithfully... then my bf going to UK on 23 may, before that got his birthday somemore, yah and belle's birthday too.... waaa... exciting rite. thank god cos' now i'm feeling so much better!! amen! last night was terrible really terrible!! thanks to the powerful medicine!
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我怎么形容 心中的感受 用一个眼神 一个动作 你都懂 越来越渴望遇到 会 懂得我的人 越来越难遇到 在 我生活之中 我怎么形容 你给我的感受 不只像朋友 比知己浓 不会错 不会错 我心动了 只有你的手能抚慰 我 多年的寂寞 只有你的吻能解开 我 过往的忧愁 我们都尝过 爱情 给的挫折 流过了泪躲藏过 直到心合 冷静 等待结果 谁能真懂我 让我心动 只有你的手能抚慰 我 多年的寂寞 只有你的吻能解开 我 过往的忧愁 Posted at 5:53 PM |
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Someone wants to know what i'm thinking. So hope you are reading this then. Posted at 8:47 AM |
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faith is sick. not love-sick. INDIGESTION. argh. edward just told me that "i've got too much in my head." whatever that means. Posted at 6:59 AM |
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
I have come to a realization. The one and only thing that can keep me sane. It is my greatest weakness, yet my greatest strength as well. Sometimes it breaks me, sometimes it makes me. Yeah, it's make it or break it. Take it or leave it. But most of the time, it breaks me, and i still yearningly take it. ______________ Packing all my things now... oohh i don't feel like leaving hall suddenly. Pack pack pack pack.... urgh. In the meantime i shall start mourning the temporary loss of personal space and privacy and freedom. ______________ I'm gonna be sick soon. Love-Sick. I'm such a sucker for love. Let's hope the love-sick bug don't come to me... ! ______________ Posted at 4:06 PM |
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I was sitting on that very same spot, my "usual" spot. That very same spot which meant something to me. But I wasn't feeling all that good. I guessed I was looking for too much from that spot. Yeah I guess so... (still looking for reasons why i shouldn't feel not-so-good...). It's an everyday business to remember good things, or well... try to make up reasons. Melancholy aside, I did some shopping on my own just now... Yeah!!! Bought a striped casual tube dress, it's lovely! In love with it... and i think i look good in it.. hehe... finally i own a nice nice dress... and bought black heely slippers from c&k... yeah finally. Retail therapy wasn't intensive, but shiok enough to make me feel good about spending. Yeah... my oh my... clothes and shoes were all crying out to me... ok i really foresee that i'm gonna spend quite a lot this holidays. Argh... plus a few people's birthdays coming up... present-shopping! Ok, so i'm going to china this thursday... so soon... i'm wishing my parents had arranged for a later date of departure cos' i'm wishing that i can be doing something else instead...?! Sigh. Or maybe... it will be better if china trip isn't this week... isn't next week... silly me. All this business about getting busy, getting occupied.... good or bad i don't know... a proper break will never exist. I was just tracing back my entire academic year.... all the time and effort spent on cmb.. wonder whether my chairperson-ship is worth it. Sucks, it just seems like there's always something i have to do and which i can't help it. Yah... brought this upon myself? Yah perhaps perhaps... i hate to think it's wrong to be busy and that i cause myself to be busy, too busy?! like i take up this and that out of my passion and then faulting myself for all the mess i've created, all the hectic schedule.. and then when i don't feel the support from others it's just demoralizing, yeah whatever i'm used to all that. freak... i think i sound like a loser now.... loser becos' i can never get out of this vicious cycle of self-frustration. Yah... plus i'm so easily affected everyday... it seems like every night is rarely a night of assurance and peaceful sleep. And tho' i know i have my dear heavenly father up there watching over me... i can still never fully put my life in His hands and let him lead me. There's this very strong sense of self-control, directing my life as how i want to... blah blah.... All my crazy interpretations of people's actions and behaviour around me, of trying so hard to think what the other person is thinking... yah i know... all these useless contemplation.... that doesn't always lead me to the right track. Maybe there's so much more that i need.. deep down... and knowing that i can never receive all that consistently... just breaks me. Maybe it's really hard for people to care for me... all my nonsense like sleepless nights... and my fears attacking me day by day... yah i'm so full of nonsense right. I never knew i'm so full of nonsense until one day when people have made me felt so. I never considered other people's "nonsense" as nonsense... but mine is nonsense to others. thanks.... Posted at 1:18 AM |
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Sunday, May 01, 2005
Does blaming each other, or rather trying to find out whose fault it is... solve problems? Is everything a matter of right and wrong and perhaps no grey areas? Does being loud make one more dominant, superior and right? If all of you are adults, why all the childish arguments and be so childishly stubborn all the time? Why can't you just be more humble and do away with the perfectionist-attitude? I won't respect you because you are too proud, you are not always right all the time and you can no longer constrain me like how you always did. I never had that voice anyway... Yeah I'm fine, not in any deep shit okay... just that i'm so affected by the people around me.. the proximity sucks. Then again, the living examples around me will always bother me, about issues of relationships, true love, obligations, responsibilities.... nothing in this world is freaking easy, good things don't just drop from the sky so easily.... yeah i know all these. I wonder... how people have come to create such tensed environments... I feel tired all of your nonsense, in fact i'm beginning to think all of you are bad testimonies... really. Because I'm so easily affected by you guys... I'm upset. Thanks. I don't like friday nights.... and saturday nights. Like now. Maybe I just don't like feeling alone at home. Yeah... technically I'm not alone. But I'm "alone" because everybody else is sleeping except me. I'm longing for distractions now... People who underestand me very well should know that silence can be really excruciating for me sometimes, especially when i'm longing for just a good chat to ease my mind. Yah so i don't like last friday night because of this. NObody would be in the right mind to talk to me at 3am... 4am... yah so either i end up talking to myself, or talking to god and angels. People who really understand me will know my once-in-a-while insomniac problems. Insomnia is like period. It's a cycle... keeps going on... happens on a regular basis. When it hits me, it can be just as excruciating as getting cramps, and it takes a while, usually a few days to adjust back to normal. Some say it's cos' i don't know how to relax and enjoy life, thus the insomnia, and i should learn to relax and enjoyllife a bit more. Argh... why does relaxing and enjoying even need learning... Not that i'm so entirely unhappy with my life. Actually I feel quite glad with the way my life is now... I'm contented, easily, because I don't know... I don't know what more I can ask from God... what more? I never felt that I have all the right to demand this and that, to want this and that, to deserve this and that.... I'm happy with what god has given me, I guess I should be happy with the way things are, though life is full of scars, of bad memories that can't be erased.... but there are nice little things to be delighted about. Just a few days ago, my mind was filled with the best memories, the happiest moments of my life... and i felt so elated... high... i wanted to share all the joy with someone. Yet most of the time, overwhelming feelings (good and bad), overwhelming desires are often bottled-up in my heart. Too bottled-up... I feel like exploding sometimes. Ah... what's new. It seems like i haven't changed and learn to open the bottle in front of others. Posted at 1:52 AM |
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