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Sunday, December 19, 2004
I feel like blogging more than doing anything else now.... just too many things on my mind.... I have to type lots of emails, msg people, come up with agendas, plan for next few months of work.... but I rather blog now.... lots of things to vent. Where should i start from... Have been thinking about so many things last few days... commitments, life's theories, Christmas... blah blah... Thinking too hard, too much isn't so bad.... But thinking unnecessarily is bad. Let's begin with how i feel today. I told jf that I do feel very stressed talking to him sometimes.. For the entire year, it has been like this. Sucks. I shouldn't be feeling stressed when conversing with him.... especially when we both are sulky about things. It's been a difficult year. Well, i think this kind of stress is self-inflicted. It's just me faith nah, jf doesn't feel stressed talking me at all, yah so it's just me.... me and my silly ways of exerting additional stress. I know why,cos' I JUST CARE TOO MUCH that i can even go oh so crazy about things. It really has been difficult, and i think i understand what putting more effort than needed means. It has been difficult, I think, cos' I feel I can't make things better, I FEEL WORRIED, AFRAID, ANXIOUS, CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THINGS SUCH THAT I REACH A POINT WHERE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SOOTH MY MIND MY HEART, WHERE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. There's nothing wrong with us now, really, just that when I'm constantly being reminded of the bad past, i can;t help feeling apprehensive and paranoid. I'M JUST SO AFRAID THAT THINGS WILL BECOME WORSE, OR THAT WE'LL REVERT TO THE BAD PAST AGAIN... AND I'LL BE SO HEARTBROKEN. I care in such a way that... I'm so afraid small things will just lead to the bad past again.... so I just hope that I can try my best to reduce such small things. It really makes me feel stressed seeing him sulk or get irritated. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong... or that I've fumbled again... and all that I am, to him, is just my weird ways, my mistakes, my weaknesses, my fumbles.... By right, since he's my bf, I should just feel okay fumbling in front of him... right?! Gosh.... i can sense my disgusting anxiety even more now. Perhaps only by knowing that he's happy, his smile and laughter, and that he knows i do care for him..... can then make me feel so much better... I hate sulking too. I think most of my friends can't imagine a sulky faith nah.... but i do feel unhappy, stressed sometimes too yeah. I hate myself for being busy these few weeks yah.... it's like i don't have so much time to spend with him and all i can do is the grab that little amount of time every night with him... It's like I'm making myself feel bad now.... when there isn't even anything wrong about the relationship now. Sometimes what he tells me can really affect me for a very long time, even if those words don't have significant meaning and he's just telling me stuff like normal conversation.... It all just stems from my fear of the lousy things that can happen, the most terrible things he can ever say to me.... OK, am i like... imagining things here....?!! Ok, actually I'm the more terrible person in this.... I've never thought that jf is bad or what... just that during difficult times, terrible hurting words can be said... and this is what all couples have to cope with right... Ok enough of rattling.... Still on thinking too hard, too much about things.... Just doesn't apply to relationship only... but also other general issues. Me and Ed are opposites. While he's rather happy-go-lucky... living life simply by accepting things without many questions.... I'm just the antithesis. While Ed simply believes, it is harder to make me believe something cos' I'll want to know why I have to accept certain instructions... I'll want to believe something with understanding and not just blindly believe, blindly follow just because I'm told to so. Not that Ed blindly obeys rules... but I'm the one with more questions, lots of questions doubts here and there... which isn't good. Does this explain why I often ponder too much and too hard?! Because I can't just accept things without fully understanding why i have to..... I think this is the first time I'm wishing that X'mas will quickly be over soon. I have things on everyday this entire week.... Why am i complaining of my schedule cos' by right I should be happy that I'm almost living a life enriched with music now. Music makes my life. True. I would be unhappy on normal schooldays when I did not have my piano to accompany, when I could not do the musical things which I want to do so much, when my priorities had to be studies above music. And now, music is my first priority, i have practices everyday.... from geyao, to acappella, to choir, to band, even including church stuff... and I'm feeling tired from all this. I think it isn't the music.... for a while it scares me to think that I can be tired of doing music, that if there's too much of something, I'll begin to grow sick of it even if it's something that I really love. It isn't the music.... It's the busy schedule. The crazy busy schedule of hall opening, caroling with hall and with chorale. It's beginning to take a toil on me, especially my brain.... So many things to take note of, to remember, how is it possible to remember every single little thing.... I hope I'm not overworking my mind... I'll try to come up with new ways to deal with this, new personal organisation methods... argh. Ok, I'm just angry with dunno-who-and-what that I'm lacking free time here. Ok.. I have so many things I wanna blog.... but I need to sleep. If not I'll just become crazier. I'm already crazy.... I need to rest from craziness. ********* It has been a year. A tough one, a problematic one, a sad one. What can i celebrate about the one year i've been through? What memories from this year can i celebrate? The occasional feeling of bleakness. And a sense of loss. Too many downs that affects me. Where are the ups? ********** Posted at 11:40 PM |
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