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Monday, January 31, 2005
Was just talking to my mother earlier in the afternooon. Felt quite demoralised after that. Why must she always put things so harshly... I know she meant well and she was just trying to put across things to me very directly. I guess it always hurts a bit when people talk too straightforwardly and harshly... so how to cope with this. Was quite sad but can't help it. I can take it... like people telling me things that aren't so nice.... negative things about me... I can take it. But truth always hurts a bit right. I know what's so negative about me... all my flaws but some things can't be changed. I hope mum will understand this. As much as I will like to, but there's nothing more I can do already. But it was seriously demoralising for me. I've never felt so abnormal, so weird.... I thought each and everyone is special in God's eyes. Never Mind. Close one eye here and there... and the topic won't be so sensitive anymore. All my life... all the time, I try to be the best person I can ever be. I try to cater to people's needs... whether it's part of my work or not to cater to your needs... When you can make me feel that you really need my help and support, even when the reason isn't so good, I'll still try my best to help you, as long as I can, and especially if I feel I should. But sometimes, things go wrong when I help people in wrong ways, as in, I try my best to do something but it just turns out wrong. I hate it when I feel uncomfortable having to do things out of my character... means sometimes it just isn't in my character to ask you certain things, to do certain things, but i still do them anyway because i would think all these pleases the people around me, especially people i really care for... parents, close friends, guys and girls in cmb.... If you really really know me... you'll know that I'm both a big-hearted and narrow-minded person at the same time. If you really really know me... you'll know I can be a very competitive and possesive person. There are some goals in life I have to win, they're NO to losing. Somethings are a must to win... I used to think whether I'll ever be deemed a loser in things that I do. Or at times when I feel I'm so lousy in everything and I have such a lousy character.... all the more I care about winning.... how I must have an edge over others. I don't like the feeling of people looking down on me, people thinking that I can't make it certain areas... Yah. And being a little more possesive and protective in relationships was what I used to be. Usually, it's the guys who should be more protective of their girlfriends right... Yup totally agree, but girls do feel protective of their boyfriends too! Anyway life is unfair... girls are always the losers in relationships. At least for me i think... that statement holds. I lose more friends than jf does after getting attached.... this is what i think. Attached girls tend to lose their guy friends. Ok enuff said. Point is... I'm afraid of turning into some possesive and competitive freak. Guess I must must practise curbing with a lot of feelings, almost like suppressing them and practise feeling okay. Cos' sometimes... I don't really see the point of getting so uncomfortable and argh... but I still feel that way... so need to practise coping with ridiculous wild emotions and thoughts. Summary for today is... i feel totally demoralised, but i'm used to it so it's okay, and I need to practise removing certain feelings... and practise not get too upset. Posted at 11:49 PM |
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