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Sunday, May 01, 2005
Does blaming each other, or rather trying to find out whose fault it is... solve problems? Is everything a matter of right and wrong and perhaps no grey areas? Does being loud make one more dominant, superior and right? If all of you are adults, why all the childish arguments and be so childishly stubborn all the time? Why can't you just be more humble and do away with the perfectionist-attitude? I won't respect you because you are too proud, you are not always right all the time and you can no longer constrain me like how you always did. I never had that voice anyway... Yeah I'm fine, not in any deep shit okay... just that i'm so affected by the people around me.. the proximity sucks. Then again, the living examples around me will always bother me, about issues of relationships, true love, obligations, responsibilities.... nothing in this world is freaking easy, good things don't just drop from the sky so easily.... yeah i know all these. I wonder... how people have come to create such tensed environments... I feel tired all of your nonsense, in fact i'm beginning to think all of you are bad testimonies... really. Because I'm so easily affected by you guys... I'm upset. Thanks. I don't like friday nights.... and saturday nights. Like now. Maybe I just don't like feeling alone at home. Yeah... technically I'm not alone. But I'm "alone" because everybody else is sleeping except me. I'm longing for distractions now... People who underestand me very well should know that silence can be really excruciating for me sometimes, especially when i'm longing for just a good chat to ease my mind. Yah so i don't like last friday night because of this. NObody would be in the right mind to talk to me at 3am... 4am... yah so either i end up talking to myself, or talking to god and angels. People who really understand me will know my once-in-a-while insomniac problems. Insomnia is like period. It's a cycle... keeps going on... happens on a regular basis. When it hits me, it can be just as excruciating as getting cramps, and it takes a while, usually a few days to adjust back to normal. Some say it's cos' i don't know how to relax and enjoy life, thus the insomnia, and i should learn to relax and enjoyllife a bit more. Argh... why does relaxing and enjoying even need learning... Not that i'm so entirely unhappy with my life. Actually I feel quite glad with the way my life is now... I'm contented, easily, because I don't know... I don't know what more I can ask from God... what more? I never felt that I have all the right to demand this and that, to want this and that, to deserve this and that.... I'm happy with what god has given me, I guess I should be happy with the way things are, though life is full of scars, of bad memories that can't be erased.... but there are nice little things to be delighted about. Just a few days ago, my mind was filled with the best memories, the happiest moments of my life... and i felt so elated... high... i wanted to share all the joy with someone. Yet most of the time, overwhelming feelings (good and bad), overwhelming desires are often bottled-up in my heart. Too bottled-up... I feel like exploding sometimes. Ah... what's new. It seems like i haven't changed and learn to open the bottle in front of others. Posted at 1:52 AM |
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